Never Again

I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut! Everybody should know that and you should know that I'm through with you.

I'm closing my doors for you now.

Two months have passed since I broke up with him. It was the most painful decision I have made so far. Painful because I had to let go of the person that I loved and trusted the most. And painful because the last few months of our relationship, he betrayed me over and over again.

After the breakup, we still see each other. The first time was because I asked him to go with me to the dentist. I'm a wimp who despises going to clinics and hospitals, you see. The other times, we went out to talk, have dinner, see movies or a hodgepodge of these. We were both not ready to lose each other completely. And, somehow, there was a faint hope on my part that maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen and we'll be back in each other's arms.

Last week, he asked me out to celebrate the result of a very important exam. I obliged. There's this unspoken rule between us that whenever one of us needs company, one needs to oblige. We had dinner and talked about the exam and other things. Just about I was to leave, he dragged me and told me that he wants me back.

Pwede bang maging ulit tayo?

Ano ka ba? Di ka pa lang nakaka move on kaya ganyan. Makaka move on ka din. Makakahanap ka din ng iba.

Hindi. Ayoko ng iba. Sigurado na ko na ikaw ang gusto ko.

Sinabi mo din yan nung una e. Pero anon nangyari? Tska pwede ba yun? After two months biglang ready ka na ma-tie down?

Pag-isipan mo.

Hindi, ikaw ang mag-isip.

I must admit that the faint hope that we would be able to fix things between us grew by leaps and bounds. I was still in love with him after all. But a few days after that confession, I found out that he's, once again, using me. Apparently, I'm nothing but a spare wheel. You know, just in case his date with other guys don't go well, he still have me.  And this must be the same reason why he chose to keep me even after the breakup. I'm a very convenient reserve.

But this ends now. Everything between us ends now.

I will no longer be manipulated by him. I will no longer be a slave of the faint hope that I keep. And I'm  crushing that faint hope the same way he crushed me and my humanity. I am burning the bridge that I tried so hard to build in hope of a decent post breakup scenario.

Here's the best part.

I am tearing the pages in the book of my life that he was a part of - from the day we first met in his apartment; the day he asked me out; the day we decided to be together; our first monthsary; our first anniversary; our first movie date together; our first fight, the first time I cried for him; the first time he cried because of me; the first time he wanted to end the relationship; and the first and many times I wanted to end our relationship. I'm scrapping everything about him at all points in my life. Yes, all points in my life, not just the present and future but also the past. I'd rather have missing pages in my book than to include pages full of his bullshit.

Impossible but I am going to make this happen. I'd convince myself so well that our relationship never existed and that I never him until not a single trace of him will be left in my consciousness.

I regret meeting him. I regret giving him my heart. I regret everything.