20 August 2010

Never Again

I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut! Everybody should know that and you should know that I'm through with you.

I'm closing my doors for you now.

Two months have passed since I broke up with him. It was the most painful decision I have made so far. Painful because I had to let go of the person that I loved and trusted the most. And painful because the last few months of our relationship, he betrayed me over and over again.

After the breakup, we still see each other. The first time was because I asked him to go with me to the dentist. I'm a wimp who despises going to clinics and hospitals, you see. The other times, we went out to talk, have dinner, see movies or a hodgepodge of these. We were both not ready to lose each other completely. And, somehow, there was a faint hope on my part that maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen and we'll be back in each other's arms.

Last week, he asked me out to celebrate the result of a very important exam. I obliged. There's this unspoken rule between us that whenever one of us needs company, one needs to oblige. We had dinner and talked about the exam and other things. Just about I was to leave, he dragged me and told me that he wants me back.

Pwede bang maging ulit tayo?

Ano ka ba? Di ka pa lang nakaka move on kaya ganyan. Makaka move on ka din. Makakahanap ka din ng iba.

Hindi. Ayoko ng iba. Sigurado na ko na ikaw ang gusto ko.

Sinabi mo din yan nung una e. Pero anon nangyari? Tska pwede ba yun? After two months biglang ready ka na ma-tie down?

Pag-isipan mo.

Hindi, ikaw ang mag-isip.

I must admit that the faint hope that we would be able to fix things between us grew by leaps and bounds. I was still in love with him after all. But a few days after that confession, I found out that he's, once again, using me. Apparently, I'm nothing but a spare wheel. You know, just in case his date with other guys don't go well, he still have me.  And this must be the same reason why he chose to keep me even after the breakup. I'm a very convenient reserve.

But this ends now. Everything between us ends now.

I will no longer be manipulated by him. I will no longer be a slave of the faint hope that I keep. And I'm  crushing that faint hope the same way he crushed me and my humanity. I am burning the bridge that I tried so hard to build in hope of a decent post breakup scenario.

Here's the best part.

I am tearing the pages in the book of my life that he was a part of - from the day we first met in his apartment; the day he asked me out; the day we decided to be together; our first monthsary; our first anniversary; our first movie date together; our first fight, the first time I cried for him; the first time he cried because of me; the first time he wanted to end the relationship; and the first and many times I wanted to end our relationship. I'm scrapping everything about him at all points in my life. Yes, all points in my life, not just the present and future but also the past. I'd rather have missing pages in my book than to include pages full of his bullshit.

Impossible but I am going to make this happen. I'd convince myself so well that our relationship never existed and that I never him until not a single trace of him will be left in my consciousness.

I regret meeting him. I regret giving him my heart. I regret everything.


  1. I wrote this some time ago. I hope it resonates with your sentiments.

    In every failed relationship, and in every failed attempt at one, you lose a part of yourself to the person. Love is a bitter pill whose fruits are as extreme as its pits, while committing licenses the other party glimpses of a vulnerability you would normally safeguard. It gives right for him or her to cause you pain, the same manner affections can uplift in bliss. And in every passing chapter to your spirit's book, pages are torn sacrificially and in offing to those whose brief stay merited your attention. Despite supposed lessons gained in each unique instance, you fall on the next chance only to, briefly, subtly, taste in passing love's piquant nectar.

    But don't regret. Reminisce. It's easier to heal and move on when bitterness is acknowledged and left at the door. Just like what Mitch Albom said, feel the pain. Then let it go.

  2. sometimes it's best to have space between both former partners.

    if the foundation is well-built on the first place, the friendship will come back.

  3. No.. dont tear those pages...It's a part of you. Someday, when you look back, you'll smile, seeing those stupid things that happen, and you'll tell yourself how different you are... :)

  4. do what you must - but never cheat yourself into forgetting what once was part of you because it will haunt you - like a ghost...


  5. Awww Pipo.

    Nothing like the pain of betrayal, isn't it? Sigh.

    Sige lang. Naintindihan kita. I hope you'll be better soon.


  6. this is really sad pipo :(

    suddenly i'm reminded of this: "The energy of hatred won't get you anywhere, but the energy of forgiveness, which reveals itself through love, will transform your life in a positive way." (The Zahir)

    and also for you, my warmest hugs

  7. Ah. Now I understand to whom this entry is referring to.

  8. it's pretty sad getting hurt but i know it'll get better in time and that's fo sure!!!:))

    smile para pogi..

  9. ohh i thought you deleted this. sana maging ok pa kayo (kahit friends na lang siguro)

  10. awww... i suggest you take some time off. mahirap magisip ng padalusdalos.

    and you'll be ok pipo. tara, shopping :D i don't drink kasi. lol!

  11. if it's yours to give then it's yours to take back. it's your book afterall.
    pain is good pipo.
    it's the air that artists breathe.
    pain is good.

  12. For even the strongest of bridges have to be burnt sooner or later.

    And even if regrets come haunting, fear not because that is only of normal response.

    They say to have loved is better to not have loved before.

    For time, perspective and choice shall heal the wound.

    A great, tight, warm and long hug to you, dear Pipo.

  13. Bullshit happens, and it makes us a stronger person. Just hold on, God has better plans for you. :)


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