Free

I gave him the chance he asked for. He gave me hell in return.

Thank you for cheating on me again.


P.S.

Sa kabila ng paulit ulit na panggagago mo saken, I don't hate you. You know why? Because you don't deserve anything from me. Not even hate.

Break

A couple of days or weeks maybe. I'm taking a break from blogging, reading blogs and commenting on them. I dunno. I just feel the need to take a break.

In case you wanna get in touch or if you're wondering if I'm still breathing, I'm just a tweet, a question, or an email/chat away. If we're real life friends, I'm just a wallpost or text away.

I'll miss you all.






P.S.

I hope you miss me more. =P

Never Again

I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut! Everybody should know that and you should know that I'm through with you.

I'm closing my doors for you now.

Two months have passed since I broke up with him. It was the most painful decision I have made so far. Painful because I had to let go of the person that I loved and trusted the most. And painful because the last few months of our relationship, he betrayed me over and over again.

After the breakup, we still see each other. The first time was because I asked him to go with me to the dentist. I'm a wimp who despises going to clinics and hospitals, you see. The other times, we went out to talk, have dinner, see movies or a hodgepodge of these. We were both not ready to lose each other completely. And, somehow, there was a faint hope on my part that maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen and we'll be back in each other's arms.

Last week, he asked me out to celebrate the result of a very important exam. I obliged. There's this unspoken rule between us that whenever one of us needs company, one needs to oblige. We had dinner and talked about the exam and other things. Just about I was to leave, he dragged me and told me that he wants me back.

Pwede bang maging ulit tayo?

Ano ka ba? Di ka pa lang nakaka move on kaya ganyan. Makaka move on ka din. Makakahanap ka din ng iba.

Hindi. Ayoko ng iba. Sigurado na ko na ikaw ang gusto ko.

Sinabi mo din yan nung una e. Pero anon nangyari? Tska pwede ba yun? After two months biglang ready ka na ma-tie down?

Pag-isipan mo.

Hindi, ikaw ang mag-isip.

I must admit that the faint hope that we would be able to fix things between us grew by leaps and bounds. I was still in love with him after all. But a few days after that confession, I found out that he's, once again, using me. Apparently, I'm nothing but a spare wheel. You know, just in case his date with other guys don't go well, he still have me.  And this must be the same reason why he chose to keep me even after the breakup. I'm a very convenient reserve.

But this ends now. Everything between us ends now.

I will no longer be manipulated by him. I will no longer be a slave of the faint hope that I keep. And I'm  crushing that faint hope the same way he crushed me and my humanity. I am burning the bridge that I tried so hard to build in hope of a decent post breakup scenario.

Here's the best part.

I am tearing the pages in the book of my life that he was a part of - from the day we first met in his apartment; the day he asked me out; the day we decided to be together; our first monthsary; our first anniversary; our first movie date together; our first fight, the first time I cried for him; the first time he cried because of me; the first time he wanted to end the relationship; and the first and many times I wanted to end our relationship. I'm scrapping everything about him at all points in my life. Yes, all points in my life, not just the present and future but also the past. I'd rather have missing pages in my book than to include pages full of his bullshit.

Impossible but I am going to make this happen. I'd convince myself so well that our relationship never existed and that I never him until not a single trace of him will be left in my consciousness.

I regret meeting him. I regret giving him my heart. I regret everything.

Yeah, right. Ouch.

Siya: Di kn nagtext ah.

Ako: Wrong send ka.

S: Sau yan.

A: Ah. Dati kasi pag may ganyan bihira tayo magtext. Di lalo na ngayon. Tska marami ka naman katxt. Tska wala ako sasabihin.

S: Musta k? Dating k?

A: Dating? As in nakikipagdate? Hindi.

S: Mahal m p dn b aq?

A: Lasing ka ba? Kasi kung oo, wag mo ko itext ng mga ganitong bagay.

S: Ano b sagot dun? Kc aq d q n alam eh. Gs2 q malaman kng nalilito k dn b.

A: Di mo na ako mahal. Yun lang yun.

S: Ikaw? Ano nraramdaman m pra sakn ngaun?

A: Mahal kita pero pinipilit ko na wala ng maramdaman.

S: Pinipilit q makipagdate sa ibang tao pero wlang nkkpantay sau. Nkakainis.

A: Wag ka maghanap ng katulad ko kasi mauulit lang yung nangyari saten. Di katulad ko ang kelangan mo.

S: D aq naghahanap ng katulad m. Ibang iba sau ung mga cnusubukan qng idate. Pero wla ngang pumapantay sau. Sa talino, sa itsura, sa ugali.

A: I'm the best that you can possibly have. Pero you don't need the best.

S: Ayoko mag-settle.

A: Bakit?

A: Tska ineexpect mo naman yan db. Sinabi mo yan saken ng madaming beses. Di ka na yata dapat magtaka.

First, sa totoo lang nadurog naman ako dahil nakikipag-date na ulit sya. Ano yun? All of a sudden ready na sya sa isang relationship? Five weeks ago di nya kaya matali sa isang relationship tapos ngayon ready na sya? Gaguhan (na naman) ba 'to?

Second, nalilito sya. Nalilito sya kung mahal nya (pa) ako? Wow. Tagos. Ako hirap na hirap na pigilan yung nararamdaman sa kanya. Tapos sya nandun na sa point na di na sya sigurado. Maybe I should congratulate him pala. He's really starting to move on.

Third, what's with the I-can't-find-anyone-better-than-you-realization? Gimik ba 'to? Kasi iba yung sinasabi nya sa nalalaman kong ginagawa nya eh.

Lastly, what breaks my heart most is to know that he's in pain.

Hard

We can't be together anymore. I get it. But that doesn't make me love him less. And it also doesn't make me wanna get rid of him. In fact, I still want him so bad that if being friends would be the only way to still have him around, I'll take it. I'd take whatever he can give.

But this I-wanna-know-everything thing that he's doing makes me rethink if the friendship is really worth the pain. He's been trying to find unmentioned faults that I did when we were still together. It's as if finding such faults would make him feel less guilty and relieve him of the pain (and shame?) he's experiencing. Relief at my expense. That's the way I see it.

I didn't know trying to be friends with him could be this hard.

The Song

I miss you.

Sorry

Truth is, akala ko maayos namin. Akala ko yung three weeks na hiningi nya para makapag-isip kami pareho eh sapat para marealize namin na hindi namin kaya mawala yung isa’t-isa. Noong una ayaw ko pumayag sa hiningi nyang three weeks. Pinagdududahan ko kasi yung intension nya dun. Ang sabi nya para daw makapag-isip kami. Pero ang naiisip ko noon eh gagamitin nya nya yun para magpakasawa sa mga kalokohan nya tapos babalikan nya ko after ng three weeks. Pero dabi nya wag ko daw sya i-judge. Wag ko daw i-judge ang motives nya. Nung sinabi nya yun naniniwala ako. Naramdaman ko naman yung sincerity nya.

Kaya nag-antay ako. Pero after a few days di ko na kinaya. Di ko na kinaya kasi tingin ko hindi fair na humingi pa sya ng pabor mula saken. Parang sobra sobra na kasi para sya pa yung humiling pa sya ng kahit ano. Nag-decide ako na itigil na yung pag-aantay. Di ko na aantayin yung three weeks at di ko na din aantayin at ieexpect na mag-sorry sya saken.

So nagdecide ako ns magsisimula na ko mag move on. Nagsimula na ko mag-isip ng mga susunod kong gagawin. Madami kasi akong plano na uulitin dahil wala na siya. Lahat kasi ng plano ko ay nandun sya. Actually, marami kaming planong dalawa. Isa na dun ay yung paghahanap ko ng trabaho na based sa Metro Manila. Kailangan sa doon para plano naman naming maging housemate eh matupad. Gusto kasi namin magkasama kami sa bahay. Sobrang mahirap kasi yung lintek na long distance relationship na yan e. Gusto namin at the end of the day uuwi kami sa isa’t-isa para kahit anong stress at kahit anong pagod pa eh mawawala dahil magkasama kami. Ako  naman gusto ko magluluto ako para sa kanya. Actually, kaya ko lang naman gusto matuto magluto eh para sa kanya. Isa pa pala sa mga plano namin eh yung magsplurge once a month. Naalala ko tinanong nya ko kung saan kami magssplurge. Di ko sya nasagot nun kasi di naman nagma-matter saken kung saan. Basta gusto ko mag-enjoy kami.

Sa Elbi ko napiling magsimula ulit. Sabi ko doon ako pupunta para gawin yung mga plano ko. Malaking bagay kasi sa akin na may mga kaibigan ako na madali kong malalapitan. Pero isang araw bago ako magpunta doon, kinailangan ko ng tulong nya. May mga bagay kasi na hindi ko pa kayang gawin ng wala sya. May mga bagay na magagawa ko lang pag kasama ko sya. Kaya ayun, nagtext ako sa kanya. Humingi ako ng tulong. Akala ko nga hindi nya ko tutulungan. Hindi kasi siya nagreply agad. Umiiyak na ko kun kasi sobrang desperate na ko. Pero buti nagreply sya at pumayag na sasamahan ako.

After ng pagkikita namin nabuhayan ako ng loob. Pagkauwi ko sa bahay nawala lahat ng pagod at ng pagdududa ko. Para kong narecharge. Feeling ko ulit kayak ko pang lumaban. Alam mo yung feeling na punong puno ka ng pag-asa na maayos uli lahat ng bagay? Ganun. Basta sobra sobrang optimistic ako na maayos namin lahat. Nag-text ako sa kanya. Sabi ko mag-aantay ako. Nagdecide ako mag-antay ulit. Isang lingo na lang naman eh.

Kaya lang may mga nangyari na naman. May mga bagay syang gagawin na sa palagay ko eh hindi nya dapat gawin kung talagang gusto nya kaming maayos. Sinabi ko yun sa kanya. Pero sabi ko nga sa kanya, di nya naiintindihan yung pinaggalingan ko. Di nya naiinitindihan kung bakit ako nasasaktan. Kaya mula sa pagiging optimistic, nawalan na naman ako ng pag-asa. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko huli na para sumuko. Ilang araw na lang naman. Ilalaban ko pa din.

Tapos na kami mag-usap. Hindi ko na nagawang sabihin sa kanya na gusto kong ilaban pa namin. Hindi ko na nagawa kasi naramadaman ko na yung pagsuko sa kanya. Nasa boses nya, nasa galaw nya. kahit gustong gusto ko makiusap sa kanya na wag bumitiw, hindi ko na nagawa. Naalala ko tuloy yung usapan namin nung bago pa lang yung relationship namin. Sabi namin kapag may isa sa amin na napapasuko na, ipapaalala namin kung gaano namin kamahal yung isa’t-isa. Ipapaalala namin na inaasahan namin pareho na magkakaproblema kami pero sinabi din naman na hindi kami susuko. Ipapaalala namin na yung pangako namin na hindi kami bibitiw. Umiiyak pa kami nung ginawa namin yung pangako naming yun. Di naman kami nag-away pero yung thought na mawawala kami sa isa’t-isa, di namin mapigilan umiyak. Pero hindi ko nagawa yun. Hindi ko natupad yung napagkasunduan namin. At ayun na siguro yung pinakamalaking mali na nagawa ko sa relationship namin.

Have fun

You never fail to disappoint me. :'(

Bring it on

I didn't go this far to give up.

Someday I will look back to this day and I will feel happy and proud that I gave not only my best shot but also with everything I've got.

Let's do this. *grin*

Runaway

I’m a coward.

I don’t like pain and I try as much as possible to avoid it. Now that I’m in the middle of a storm of pain, emptiness, and fear, I will choose to runaway. I will run away and hide in the arms of someone who has showed nothing but love to me; someone who knows and understands the situation I am in yet understands and accepts the total mess that I am.

I tried to hold on. Really, really tried.  However, the storm is not just a storm but a battle as well. This battle was supposed to be the two of us against our problems.  But I am alone in the battle. Several times, I asked and begged for his help but he didn’t come. He’s busy fighting his own demons. I tried to survive on my own and barely lasted. I don’t think I can fight anymore.

Then someone from the not so distant past came back. He knows how wrecked I am. But he told me that he’s willing to help me and take whatever I can give him. He’s agreed to help me and take whatever I can give in return. He’s willing to ease my pains and shield me from more pain. And I’m too beaten-up to refuse help from him.

So I’m choosing to heal and be happy with him. It will take some time but with someone by my side showing me an unbelievably immense amount of love, it’ll be faster than being just all by myself.  I know most will not approve the manner that I choose to move on. Many will think badly of me. But they don’t know my story. Only the most trusted people in my life know. So I won’t give a damn to other people.

Next week, I’m chasing pavements no more.

And maybe, I’m not a coward after all.

Forever & Always

So here's to everything, coming down to nothing

Here's to silence that cuts me to the core

Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute

But I don't anymore

And I stare at the phone; he still hasn't called

And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all

And you flashback to when he said forever and always

And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong

It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone

'Cause I was there when you said forever and always

You didn't mean it, baby
You said forever and always,

Escape

 When someone is willing to help you mend your heart that's been shattered into million pieces, how could you say no?

Too many shadows in my room 

Too many hours in this midnight 

Too many corners in my mind 

So much to do to set my heart right 

Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready 

Oh but if i take my heart's advice 

I should assume it's still unsteady 

I am in repair, i am in repair 

Fears

Emptiness, pain, and now fear.

I fear that because I was hurt, I may hurt other people - people who will take chance to know me, to be with me, and to love me. Yes, it sounds illogical. But I am alarmed that my lack anger towards what happened or to him may take its toll on the future. I fear that my anger will unconsciously make me evil.

I fear that when all of this is over, I may not believe in fairytales, happy endings, prince charming, true love’s kiss, and ever after. Yes, I am that kind of guy. I am a real person with real emotions. I believe in commitment, in working things out, in sacrifices, and in faithfulness. I don’t do hook-ups, casual sex and one night stands. I am more than a piece of flesh. But when the dust settles, I fear that I may not be the same person anymore.

I fear that I’ll be alone when I grow old. Growing old is something I have hated since I was ten. However, it was mostly because of fear of physical ageing. Now, it has become more of having no one when the rowdy music stops playing, when the disco ball stops turning, when the laughter fades, and when everyone else is with someone they love. I know that I will always have my friends. Even so, having someone who will really be there for me for the rest of our lives is different. I fear that after this I will be too broken that no one will bother to pick up the pieces and be contented with the broken pieces that I am. And this is what I fear the most.

Distractions

I'm looking for things I could do to distract myself for from thinking too much about what happened. I was feeling empty the first two days but now I’m feeling the pain. I’m having a hard time breathing whenever the breakup passes my mind. And it passes my mind a lot.

It doesn't help that I'm still jobless and have no pending interviews for the days to come. I was talking to some of my closest friends and told them I'd probably take a certain job just to "disappoint" my ex. But then again I immediately realized that that would be so bitter of me and wouldn't do me any good in the long run. However, I'll prolly take the first job that would come knocking in my door as long as it's related to my field and interests (community development, community organizing, advocacy, training, and corporate social responsibility).

I'm also thinking of doing volunteer work while looking for a job. I'm not sure where to volunteer though. And I have an ulterior motive - to sell myself to the organizations I'm planning to volunteer. Just the idea of using volunteer programs to my advantage makes me feel guilty. So that's prolly off the list now.

I'm planning to watch Emir and Killers this Sunday. I was supposed to watch Emir with ex. But the breakup won't stop me from seeing it. Besides, it's also one way of making me feel nothing has changed. Truth is, I miss him. And I would be lying if I say that I don't want him back. I want him back and it's always a struggle for me not to look at his Facebook profile. Seeing his relationship status unchanged brings a tinge of hope. (Update: He changed his relationship status now. I’m bleeding.) But the fear of being hurt again prevails the desire to be with him.

Maybe I should go back to Elbi this weekend and drown myself in alcohol. Alcohol is evil, all right, but it helps. It temporarily numbs not only the body but the emotions as well. Or I can go home in Cavite. I have friends who’d listen to me and won’t see me as some pathetic, bitter and hopeless guy.

I don’t know what to do. I believe I’ve always practiced fortitude when it comes to heartaches and heart breaks. But I can’t seem to do it this time. I loved him so much and I still do. I’m not ready to move on. Just thinking of it brings more pain.

To Sir, With Love

I think I’m beginning to understand why people choose to be with someone who causes them so much pain. The pain they’re feeling doesn’t matter to them because along side with it, they also experience happiness. A brand of happiness that they believe they would never experience in another relationship.

---


Those schoolgirl days, of telling tales and biting nails are gone,
But in my mind,
I know they will still live on and on,
But how do you thank someone, who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
It isn't easy, but I'll try,


If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters,
That would soar a thousand feet high,
To Sir, with Love


The time has come,
For closing books and long last looks must end,
And as I leave,
I know that I am leaving my best friend,
A friend who taught me right from wrong, 
And weak from strong,
That's a lot to learn,
What, what can I give you in return?


If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start,
But I, would rather you let me give my heart,
To Sir, with Love

Down the drain

I’m trying to find the perfect song that would best describe what I’m feeling right now. Theoretically, I should be feeling pain, anger, denial, bitterness, betrayed, unloved, used, fooled and all other related words. I scanned my library of mp3s, added all the sad songs to my playlist and listened to the words by heart. However, none of the songs reflected what I’m feeling now. None of the songs I have reflects what I feel right now, because I am void of any emotion.

I feel empty.

Everything just happened so fast. Too fast, that I can barely remember the text messages I read from his phone coming from different people. I cannot remember the exact words but I remember perfectly what it was all about. But what I remember most was the expression on his face when I asked him about who those people were and what his exchanges of messages with those people all about.

He just woke up and he saw me wearing my clothes. The moment I thought he’s regained his senses, I asked him about the people and the text messages I read from his phone. I saw how he tried and barely managed to answer my questions. I saw how he tried to sound relaxed and cool but he failed.

Aalis ka na?

It was all he can say when I weakly smiled at him and finished packing my things. It was an epic fail. I couldn’t blame him though. He was stunned for he definitely didn't see it coming. But neither did I. Our difference is that I knew what I had to do. I knew what to say.

Bye.

It pains me to realize that I ended an almost three-year relationship with one word. It was not even the full word itself, just a retraction.

Bye.

Everything went down the drain with that informal farewell remark.

Bye.

I let the word off my lips with a voice of surrender.

Bye.

It was barely audible. I almost just murmured. For a moment, I thought my voice would fail me and nothing would come out. But the universe must have conspired and helped me. And with all the strength and courage that I have mustered, I let the word out.

Bye.

I don't wanna cry

Don't wanna cry

Nothing in the world

Could take us back

To where we used to be

Though I've given you my heart and soul

I must find a way of letting go

'Cause baby, I don't wanna cry