31 December 2010

2010

I'm just glad that 2010 will be over in a few hours.

This year has been full of highs and lows. But come to think of it, all years are like that no? Hmmm. Let's just say then that this year the highs and lows are extra higher and extra lower compared to the previous years.

Extra lows. I don't think I need to talk about this. It's no secret what I've been through, what we've been through. It was tough. The naive in me never imagined that it's possible for me to be a part stuffs I only hear or read about. But am glad that I was able to outwit, outplay, outlast that messy situation. I was scathed but not jaded.

Extra highs. This I should talk about. First, I finished college. Not everyone gets to finish college. After six long years, I walked the ceremony stage and got hold of a rolled bond paper tied with a ribbon that we call diploma.

Second, I got a job. A good job at that. I'm lucky to have landed a job that is what I was molded for when in school. I'm really satisfied with what I'm doing and I look forward in coming to work everyday. Let's just not talk about the pay. Hehe.

Third, the universe conspired and gave me this guy who is teaching me how to love and trust again. I haven't mastered the lesson yet. From time to time I lose grip but he never lets go and instead holds my hands tighter. Every day I learn and I get to be a better Pipo.

I think I'm ready for 2011.

01 December 2010

Good job

My boss forwarded the email from HR reminding him that my probationary employment status will end late January of 2011 and that he should submit necessary documents should he decide to make me a regular employee. Of course he wants me to stay so he asked my supervisor to prepare the documents and draft a recommendation letter.




But how come he didn't asked me first if I want to stay? Hmmmm.

Truth is, I want to stay. I'm enjoying my job and I look forward to coming to work every weekday. Saturday not much.

There are just two things I don't like about my job. First, the busted AC. Second, the pay. The pay is meeh.

I can stand the busted AC. I can stand the pay too if not for the fact that I'm going back to school for my masterals degree late 2011 or early 2012.

One of the perks of having no siblings is that my Mom is willing to shoulder all expenses when I go back to school, allowance included. But but but I don't want that. It took me six years to finish my undergraduate degree. I want my Mom to spend the money she earns on her own. Yeah. Pride much.

But quitting my job won't do any good either. I need to find a new job before I quit the one I have now. And finding a job is haaaard. Especially on my field. And I find one, I'm pretty sure the pay will be meeh too. I don't have much under my belt to boast yet.

So yeah I'll prolly sign the new contract.

Congrats, Pipo!

30 November 2010

Campus Rainbow Tour


Kung taga Elbi ka, malapit sa Elbi o kahit trip mo lang, welcome na welcome ka dito. Bukas na 'to. See you there!


Yep. Member ako ng Babaylan. =]

25 November 2010

Happy Anniversary, AP!

Happy anniversary, Average Pink!

*sa weekend na ang matinong entry. busy bee ngayon eh.*

23 November 2010

Ulan

Gusto mo sya. Sabi nya gustong-gusto ka nya. He thinks you're a good soul at di nya alam ano ginawa nya to deserve someone like you (may nagsabi na sayo nito dati). Ikaw naman gusto mo sya kasi you feel special when you're with him. At tsaka malakas dating nya sayo.

Kaso may konting sabit.

Una, he's not out. You don't mind na di sya out. Pero isang beses may ni-raise syang scenario. Sabi nya sayo, ano mararamdaman mo pag dineny ka nya sa mga kaibigan nya kapag nagtnong mga yun. Napaisip ka. Hmmm. Teka lang. Handa ba ako na i-deny? Sabi mo sa sarili mo. Tingin mo hindi. Naalala mo na isa sa gusto mo eh maging proud yung magiging boyfriend mo sayo. Hindi naman kailangan ipagsigawan sa buong mundo. Wag lang i-deny. Kung sa parents ka idedeny maiintindihan mo. Pero sa mga kaibigan? Hmmm.

Pangalawa, he came from a bad breakup (like you) na hindi nagkaroon ng maayos na closure. Basta na lang natapos dahil ayaw na ng ex nya. Hindi din sila in good terms. From time to time naiikwento nya yung ex nya. You don't mind. Pero pag nagrereminisce na sya ng mga happy moments nila pag magkasama kayo syempre you mind na. You really mind. Pero tahimik ka lang. Tahimik ka lang kasi gusto mo marealize nya ginagaw nya on his own.

Kanina nagpaalam sya sayo kung pwede nya kamustahin yung ex nya. Nabalitaan daw kasi nyang maysakit. Syempre napaisip ka. At ang una mong naisip ay NOOOOOOOO WAY! Pero naisip mong magpanggap na mature. Naisip mo na di maganda kung magpapaka immature ka. Nag-isip ka ng irereply. Sige lang, *insert pet name here*. Kawawa naman sya eh.

Pero hindi ganun ang nireply mo. Ang reply mo sa kanya eh, You wanna visit him and check if he's ok? Simple pero may laman. At immature. Sumagot naman agad sya. Nope. Kamustahin ko lang. Baka tawagan ko lang. Wow, sabi mo sa sarili mo.

I wish I was mature enough to say go ahead but I'm not. But it's your call. You know what's best. Sagot mo. Alam mong di mo kaya magpanggap kaya inacknowledge mo na lang yung immature immaturity mo sa mga ganung bagay.

Ngayon eto nag-iisip ka. Nag-iisip habang masakit ang lalamunan dahil sa hindi pagto-toothbrush pagkatapos mo lantakan yung ice cream cake na binili nya for you. Nag-iisip habang pabalik balik ka sa CR dahil inom ka ng inom ng tubig para sa sakit ng lalamunan mo. Nag-iisip habang nanginginig ka sa lamig dahil sa sirang aircon sa opisina nyo. Nag-iisip habang nakabalandra sa table mo ang mga files na dapat ayusin, papers na dapat pirmahan, numbers na dapat tawagan. Nag-iisip ka habang panay panay ang pagtetext nya ng mga sweet nothings. Nag-iisip habang pinapanood mo na mag ring yung cellphone mo dahil tumatawag sya kasi di ka nagrerespond sa sweet nothings nya. Nag-iisp ka kung bakit ka nag-iisip. Iniisip mo na dapat hindi ka na mag-isip. Pero naisip mo na kailangan mo mag-isip dahil noong huling nakaraang pagkakataon na hindi ka nag-isip...

Sana umulan mamaya. Gustong gusto ko kasi pag umuulan. Pero sana ang ulan mamaya ay maturity. Sana umulan ng maturity. Magtatampisaw ako. Tapos tsaka ako mag-iisip.

Band aid ka ba?


 Ako, hindi. Ayoko maging band aid. Sana hindi ako band aid.

Three things

One, you do the right things.

Two, you don't do the wrong things.

Three, you have to do both one and two. Else, it won't work.

17 November 2010

Stubborn me

I don't give a damn if everyone wants a man. I'm a boy and I will never cease in being one.

10 November 2010

Ayoko ng Pumara

Kanina habang sinusugal ko na naman ang buhay ko sa pagsakay sa MRT, napansin ko yung lalaking nasa harap ko. Malaking polo shirt, malaking pants, funny leather shoes.Unang tingin pa lang alam ng wala (masyadong) pakialam sa itsura nya. Turn on.

Tiningnan ko sya.


Matangkad.

Dark. Pantay na pantay ang kulay.

Naka salamin.

Singkit na parang hapon.

Mukhang mabait.

Facial hair.

Pogi.


Nag-isip ako ng paraan pano ko siya makikilala kaso wala eh. Three stations na lang bababa na ako. Hindi ko naman sya pwede kausapin na lang bigla kaya nakontento na lang ako sa pagnakaw ng tingin. Wala syang wedding ring. Tantya ko nasa late twenties o early thirties sya. Kung nasa ibang lugar kami, halimbawa, sa bar, tapos nakainom ako, naku baka lumbas ang pagiging flirt ko. Hahaha. Seryoso. Ganun mga tipo ko eh. Bet na bet, sabi nga nila. Hahaha.

Pagdating sa Guadalupe lumabas na ko, umupo sa bench, tinitigan sya hanggang umalis yung train at bumuntong hininga.

05 November 2010

Excuses

Ten reasons why I don't think things can work between us.


1. I am a mess.

2. You're a mess.

3. I'm picking up the pieces only to realize that the pieces are slipping like sand through the spaces between my fingers.

4. You haven't even started picking up your pieces yet.

5. I need someone who'll help me pick up the pieces.

6. You're looking for help too.

7. I was, somehow, hoping you could be that someone in #5.

8. You are hoping that I could be the one who can help you.

9. I can't help you.

10. *you tell me the 10th reason(excuse)*


And yeah. These may be just excuses.

Mending





If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?


30 October 2010

MRT Lesson #3

It's easy to make enemies on the train. Making friends is more challenging.

27 October 2010

Malas

Sunod sunod kamalasan ko lately. Una, yung cellphone ko na nadukot habang nasa MRT Ayala station ako. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa napapalitan kasi wala ako oras para pumila sa Globe para kumuha ng postpaid plan. May cash ako kaso nanghihinyang ako eh (read: kuripot ako). Tska nawiwili na din ako sa pagtuturo sa pinsan ko sa math assignments at projects nya. Narereview ko yung rules of exponents, operations on polynomials (synthetic division ftw!) at ang paborito kong factoring. Feeling ko ang galing galing ko sa math. Nakakalimutan ko na take two ko ang Math 17 nung college.

Pangalawa, nabasag yung paborito kong baso sa bahay. Di ko alam sa inyo pero isang plato, kutsara, tinidor at baso lang ginagamit ko sa bahay. Di ako gumagamit ng iba. Ayaw ko gumamit ng iba. Maswerete naman ako na nasasakyan to ng mga nakakasama ko sa bahay. Eh ayun nga nabasag yung baso ko. Free yun galing sa Coke eh. Naramdaman ng lola ko na nalungkot ako sa pagkabasag ng baso ko kaya inuto nya ko na gamitin yung basong kakakuha pa lang nya sa eskaparate. Bumili na lang daw ako ng baso pag naligaw ako sa mall.

Pangatlo, nasira yung screen ng laptop ko. Katabi ko kasi matulog si laptop kasi pinapanood ko yung live performance ng So Close (Jon McLaughlin) sa Academy Awards bago matulog. Mag-iisang buwan ko na yata ginagawa yun. Eh tapos ayun nagising ako madaling araw kasi may narining akong kumalabog. Di ko pinansin. Kinabukasan nasa lapag na yung laptop. Hindi basag yung screen pero basag na basag yung display.

Naisip ko nga kahapon, habang nasa The Block ako at nanood ng mgs tao (people watching), baka binigyan ako ng pahiwatig ng Universe na putulin muna na ang komunikasyon ko sa mundo. Haha. Eh kasi cellphone tapos internet. Gusto yata muna ng mga bituin na mapag-isa ako. Pero dahil matigas ang ulo ko hindi ko papansinin ang mga signs. Hahaha.

Okay tama na petiks. Back to work.

26 October 2010

Kapit lang

Nakakalungkot pala kapag yung mga taong nagpapasaya sayo pag malungkot ka eh siya namang malungkot, no? Tapos mas nakakalungkot kasi di mo alam kung paano mo naman sila pasasayahin kasi di mo alam paano maging katulad nila. Sila kasi yung tipong kahit may sariling problema pag tumawag ka, pag nagtext ka, pag naglambing ka, andyan agad.

Gusto ko sabihin na alam ko yung nararamdaman nila pero parang ang rude. Kasi kahit naman sabihin natin na naranasan ko yung nararanasanan nila ngayon eh hindi ibig sabihin alam ko yung pakiramdam. Kahit pa sabihing eksaktong eksakto yung nangyayari sa kanila ngayon sa naranasan ko noon, sa palagay ko iba pa din yung pakiramdam nila. Iba iba kasi yung pagtanggap (receive? interpret?) natin sa sakit eh. So I find it rude if I say to them na I know how they feel because I don't. Nobody does except they themselves.*

Kaya sa'yo, sa inyo na nagdurugo ang puso ngayon, eto na lang sasabihin ko:



Iiyak lang ng iiyak yan. Pero wag na wag bibitiw. Kapit lang.


Love,

Pipo =]


---

100 Years by Five for Fighting



*This is arguable.

23 October 2010

Kids. Ugh.

I don't like kids. Kids are irritating, annoying and they just get into my nerves. They are as annoying as those people who play their music for all the world to hear while in the train or jeepney. No, they are worse. Their mere presence stirs up the inner peace that I have.

However, for some reason I don't know, kids seem to like me. In instances where I have to be in a place where there are kids, I keep away from the. I just sit in a corner, pretend that I'm busy, and show them that I don't want any interaction with them. But then a pesky kid will notice me and try to play with me. Now, I don't like kids but I don't like breaking their hearts either so I act as if I'm okay if one kid tries to play with me. The next thing I know I have my own minion of kids around me.

These are some of the kids from one of the daycare centers the company I'm working for is sponsoring thru a whole year feeding program, provision of vitamins and regular medical missions.

Boo
One moment she's bored...
...then she's restless as a cat.

The class bully.

Poor kid. Will he end up gay?
Guess what they're dancing.
Answer: Lady Marmalade! Hahahaha

She thinks she's pretty...
...and he's a cutie.


Say aaaaaaaaaaaa


Kids are so good at mocking adults.

I was able to annoy a kid. Priceless.


I love my job.

20 October 2010

Q & A III

So someone sent me a question via Formspring. Now that someone used a very interesting alias.


Q: in choosing your next partner in life, what will your most important consideration? - im-not-your-ex

A: Maturity. I want someone who'd choose joy over happiness. Someone who'd rather let temporary highs slip through his hands than lose someone who'd stay. Someone who'd never let me go. Someone who'd never do things that would make me leave.



I dunno but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. Maybe a few weeks, months or years from now I'd have a different answer but maturity is on top of the list prerequisites right now.

18 October 2010

Guidance

I was reading Fickle Cattle's Trading Up and it reminded me of this...

"...sa totoo lang, sa buhay na ito, there will always be somebody better than your current partner. somebody more intelligent, sombebody more beautiful, somebody funnier, sexier, more huggable, more dependable, more responsible, more trustworthy, more patient, etc. etc. the list will go on. in short, there will always be somebody better. alam mo, natutunan ko lang din yan sa asawa ko. ngayon, naiintindhihan ko na. now, alama ko na na kung ang drama mo sa buhay ay laging to find somebody better, ay hello, kayabangan naman yata yun. sa akin lang, when you are in a relationship, you make things better everyday for each one. you make the other one better than he/she was a day before."


It was from my conversation with my academic adviser a month or so ago. While she's not exactly the favorite of my co-majors, I consider that I have a good relationship with her. One that transcends the boundaries of the university.

Okay. I dunno what to say really. I just wanted to share it with you guys.

Have a great week!

10 October 2010

Call of the gods

I was having a conversation with my mom thru videochat last week. Conversation is actually a bit of a stretch. We just update each other on how things are going for us.  Yeah. So we were updating each other when she asked me about my salary. A topic I'm not comfortable updating her about.


Mom: Magkano nga ulit sweldo mo dyan?

Ako: Eh nasabi ko na sayo dati.

Mom: Magkano nga?

Ako: Bastaaaa.

Mom: Magkano nga?

Ako: xx,xxxx

*brief pause*

Mom: One week ko lang yan eh! Hahaha.

Ako: Ang yabang mo talaga!


Truth is even before I graduated I knew that my salary would be meh. In fact, the allowance I was receiving when I was stil in school is bigger than my salary. You don't get rich on my field. You would have to do sidejobs or have business. Luckily, I don't have have to support anyone so I get to spend my moolah for myself.


Mom: Dito na ka na lang sa Greece magtrabaho

Ako: Ano naman gagawin ko dyan? Mahirap maghanap ng trabaho para saken dyan.


She said that jokingly. My mom was never the do-what-I-tell-you-to-do type. She let's me decide for myself. And I know that if I say  no to her when she finally confronts me of working overseas, she'd respect my decision. I think that's what make our relationship work. She's been out of the country since I was 5 or 6. In a span of  18 years of working overseas (she's been to three countries), she only visited 3 or 4 times. I learned to decide for myself because of that.

But after our update session, I realized that it was actually a hint. A hint on what she wants me to do in the future - work overseas with her.

I guess I'd be hearing more from the gods of Olympus in the coming months.








Note: Hindi ako bastos na anak. Di lang talaga  uso ang po at opo samen. Bisaya kasi kami. Also, cool lang talaga kami magusap ng Mama ko. =]

07 October 2010

Post Modern

I remember when my first boyfriend asked me to help him in his report for a microbiology subject. His report, if I remember it right, was about bacteria on beef. Bottom line of the report is don't order very rare steak because some dangerous bacteria don't get killed. Lol.

I wrote his report in a manila paper just in case of power outage. But since the original powerpoint version of the report has illustrations, I tried to create my impression of  the bacteria and a cow.  Bacteria was easy, the cow was a different story. When I was done with the cow, it looked more of Moo and Chuckie than real cattle. Hahaha. But ex-boyfie was very appreciative and told me it was cute. Aw.

This morning I was feeling extra happy. I dunno why though considering I barely have sleep the past few days and my eye bags can already pass as a paper weight. So yeah I was feeling sunshine-y and I thought I should tell you guys about it to let you know that I'm not an emotard. As I was typing my I'm-not-an-emotard entry above, I thought I'd better put a picture with it. I googled the phrase I'm okay and look what I found.



Based on the file name, his name is Minmow.
[source]

I thought he was cute. But I also knew I could do a better version of him. So using MS Paint I made my impression of Minmow.

Meet  Minmow v2.0.







Minmow: Click me for better appreciation!





You don't like it? Bah. It's post modern, you know.

--
P.S.

Thank you guys for being there for me. Whatever that means. Lol. Seriously, thank you. Mahal nyo ko no? Hahaha.

I'm not posting the I'm not an emotard post anymore. Siguro naman enough proof na si Minmow v2.o na ok na ko. =]

04 October 2010

I think I need help.

I knew there's something wrong with me. I haven't cried after the breakup. I was coping amazingly well and fast. I know moving on is the right thing to do and I know how to do it.

But I just figured out a few minutes ago that there's something with me.

I am broken.

Im thinking that everyone would leave me eventually. And no one would love me and care for me enough to saty.

Jesus.

I need help.

01 October 2010

Wishlist 2: Pushing My Luck

First, lemme say thank you to people who made my first (and not so grown up) Christmas wishlist a success. Woot! Thank you, guys! But seriously, what's wrong with you people? Buying a 23 year old plastic, I'm not even sure if those are "action", figures of Super Mario characters? Kidding! I <3 you. xoxo

Now due to popular demand (oh yes) I'm making a second set of wishlist! (Note: This is the point where you cry because of bliss).

However, to accommodate people who have the kindest heart but not an absurd brain to give me those Super Mario toys, my second wishlist will be a little more grown up. I want action figures of all the Pokemon characters!Kidding. But on the second thought.... Hmm.

Seriously, I want books this time. I like Jessica Zafra's Twisted series. I have Twisted 5, 7, 8 and 8 1/2. That leaves with 1, 2, 3, 4 and 6 to choose from. But wait there's more! Since I love reading (though I'm not well read), and to increase your choices, let us include any books that you want me to read. I read anything you see. Just not textbooks, okay? I'm done with them.

I like her but I'm afraid to see her. Methinks she'll slap me.
image source

Lest you accuse me of being a gold digger (gift digger?), lemme tell you that the books don't need to be brand new. I don't need brand new books. Just decent and readable books. Old books are just as nice as brand new ones. But that doesn't change anything, no? Gift digger pa din. Hohoho.

Oh well. I'm just pushing my luck here. =]

--
UPDATE

  • A certain Mr. Yu emailed me and  told that he'll gimme me some Heim, Hollinghurst and White. =D I'm not sure yet if it's ok with him if I put his link here.

  •  My Gramps is giving me Twisted, Planet of the Twisted and Twisted Menace. Yay! (P.S. Na-miss kita, Gramps!)

  • Enzo will give me his extra copy of Who Moved My Cheese

28 September 2010

Dial-A-Friend

I've been going out a lot lately. A lot by my standards, at least. I was never the outdoorsy type. I'd rather stay at home and have DVD marathon while binging on my favorite ice cream flavour and some chips.

Pero I haven't declined any invitation to go out this past few weeks be it coffee, beer, dinner or watching a dance competition. I dunno. I feel that I have so much catching up to do. Also, my social life has become non-existent since I started working two months ago. My shift is 9am to 6pm. Travel from Quezon City to Makati is approximately two hours. MRT is hell. I'm very tired when I get home.

-
I skipped work today. I have sore throat and colds. Last Saturday I was walking in Skygarden at SM North Edsa when I felt that my sense of balance was off. I had to stop. Must be the colds messing up my ears.

I shouldn't have skipped work. Doing nothing is depressing. I'm bored to death. I'm thinking (and tweeting) that I should go get  a drink tonight. Drew said nawawala sipon nya pag umiinom sya ng beer. I asked if it's okay to drink if i have sore throat. I think not.

-
I've been tweeting with Tristan the past few days. I knew him since last year. He made me cry a while ago. I told him I don't wanna cry anymore. Three months of crying is enough. I just wanna be happy again.

-
I like hugs and kisses. And cuddling. I could do it all day. If you're one of the people who I keep on asking for a virtual hug and kiss, please bear with me. I chose you because I trust you.

-
It's a  good thing that vitamin C is water soluble. I've been taking at least four capsules everyday since Saturday.

-

Have you seen the first episode of Glee? I really liked Telephone.. And I find Sam hawt. I wonder how much wonder and pleasure can those lips of him do. I'd love to mouth fuck him.

-
I feel weightless.

-
I'm digressing.

-
Wait.

I accepted the friend requests of a couple of bloggers on my Facebook. I think they're nice. Like Nimmy. Nimmy is sunshine materialized.

-
Back to the dial-a-friend thing.

I'm free Saturday nights and Sunday whole day. Let's just not go out too late on Sundays. I have worked on Mondays and I don't like skipping work. It makes keeps me sane.

26 September 2010

Paradigm Shift

Wearable alternatives. Fascination for the peculiar. A shift.


THESE ARE WEARABLE ALTERNATIVES.

Paradigm Shift was born from our mutual dream to create a clothing line that offers would-be wearers an alternative to what is mainstream. It is designed with details that challenge preconcieved notions of what you think you can and cannot wear.

A FASCINATION FOR THE PECULIAR.

These are clothes that are at once familiar and unfamiliar. And we believe that with the unfamiliar comes a sense of fun. We'd love to call it basics with a twist, except, we leave the 'twisting' to you.

WE REPRESENT A SHIFT.

"If the world were clear, art would not exist", said Albert Camus. We agree. The beauty we find in dissymmetry, exageration and imbalance fuels our dream of sharing the experience of wearing clothes dynamically. To never be static and be always kinetic.

- Designers Karl Leuterio and Mike Magallanes



Mike is my friend. He is cool. Therefore, I am cool.

Mike! I'm sooooooooooooo proud of you. And myself. Imagine I have a designer friend now. Hahaha. I love you, Mike!

Unveiling of Paradigm Shift Clothing is today at Graxie, Archaeology Wing, Powerplant Mall, Rockwell. Visit their official website.

23 September 2010

Boo

Dear friends,

I lost my less than two month old phone.

Your stupid friend,

Pipo


P.S.

My cousin who is in her first year in high school allowed me to use her crappy phone.

Cousin: Sige na nga. Sayo muna yung cellphone ko. Balik mo agad ha!
Ako: Next week babalik ko din.
Cousin: Pero ikaw gagawa ng assignment ko sa Math ha.
Ako: Sige. Pero ikaw magso-solve pag may fractions.

I need to get a new phone ASAP. I don't like Math especially fractions. Fractions are like poetry. I don't understand them.

17 September 2010

I want them for Christmas

The saleslady reprimanded me for taking pictures. I just smiled and said sorry.
But not until I was able to take this shot. Hohoho
  I saw them in Clipper at Trinoma the other day and it was loooove at first sight. They're pretty cheap considering you'll be giving them to a 23 year old. Hehe. I could have bought them if I wanted to but where's the fun in that? Haha. Plus, they'd be more than cute if I receive them as gift. They'd be special too. =]

So yeah it's final. They're on top of my Christmas wishlist. =D

By the way, I had an instant Ninong the other day too. And I made him promise to give me Luigi. Hahaha.

I wonder who'll give me the other four. =P


UPDATE


  • He, a friend of mine, will give me Mario already bought Mario for me. =D
 
Thanks, He! =D
 
  • Drew would get me Yoshi and Toad! Tama ba, Drew? =]


  • A girl friend will give me Princess Peach. Ayaw niyang pangalanan ko sya. Nakakahiya daw. Hahaha.


  • The girl friend backed out. =[  Jon comes to the rescue and he'll take care of Peach for me. =]

Three Two Just one more to go! *happiness*


Meron na lahat. Yay! *bliss*

15 September 2010

My TV Debut


Okay, that was a bit of a stretch. Haha. I was just on TV last *bleep*. A few weeks ago, I tried my luck by sending my resume to a talent search contest on local TV. After a few days, I received an SMS from a staff of the show confirming my interest to be part of the show on a particular date. I said yes and then I told all my friends by tweeting about it. Hahaha.

By the way, I was not chosen because I have the potential to be the next big thing (Hahaha). I was chosen because, ummm, I do something for a living. I work for a nonprofit organization so that makes me someone who actually does something for a living. Point is, if you want to be part of the show, you just have to have a job, time for taping, and you’ll be part of the show.

Anyhoos, we taped last week. I tagged along two friends so I wouldn’t look too lost when I get there and so I have someone who’ll take my pictures with celebrities. Too bad my second agenda for tagging my friends didn’t commence because (1) the celebrities didn’t join us until taping started and left immediately after and (2) the friend who was supposed to bring the camera left it while my phone died on me. Bleh.

The experience was ok bordering boring. All I did was sit, write scores, walk and smile for the camera. The show was more fun to watch in TV. At least the performances of the contestants. I dunno but they weren’t as good as they seem when you watch them in TV. Even the winner that night wasn’t that good.
I also had issue regarding the transparency of the scores. As part of the jury, I was expecting that I would actually see the scores are computed. But that didn’t happen.

The best thing about the experience though is seeing Tuesday Vargas. I’m a fan. She’s petite and pretty pala in person. And her tattoos. I want to get tattoos too. Maybe not as many or as big as her tattoos but I’d certainly have myself inked.

So there. I guess by now you know what TV show I’m talking about. I’m not telling you the exact episode though. I look bland on TV. Hahaha.


P.S.

I wasn’t able to catch it on TV because I was in Mt. Banahaw when it aired. All my immediate relatives was able to catch it though and they were telling me that they’re proud of me. Mga Pinoy talaga. Haha.

14 September 2010

MRT Lesson #2


MRT Guadalupe Station.


Move over and go back to your Mom's uterus, Wolfgang Pauli. MRT has just defied physics. Yes, two things can actually occupy the same space at the same time now. People, actually. Sometimes three or more especially on rush hours.

13 September 2010

Where did my paycheck go?



You know you're fucked up when half a month worth of pay vanishes into thin air without you being able to buy anything that can remind you that you actually received a paycheck.

I'm fucked up.

--

P.S.

Yes, I'm back. And I would never intentionally go on hiatus again. It's BS because I kept on  writing entries, reading blogs and commenting on some. The next time I declare a blog break you can shoot me. Or make me delete this blog. Hahaha.

12 September 2010

Free

I gave him the chance he asked for. He gave me hell in return.

Thank you for cheating on me again.


P.S.

Sa kabila ng paulit ulit na panggagago mo saken, I don't hate you. You know why? Because you don't deserve anything from me. Not even hate.

23 August 2010

Break




A couple of days or weeks maybe. I'm taking a break from blogging, reading blogs and commenting on them. I dunno. I just feel the need to take a break.

In case you wanna get in touch or if you're wondering if I'm still breathing, I'm just a tweet, a question, or an email/chat away. If we're real life friends, I'm just a wallpost or text away.

I'll miss you all.






P.S.

I hope you miss me more. =P

20 August 2010

Never Again

I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut! Everybody should know that and you should know that I'm through with you.

I'm closing my doors for you now.

Two months have passed since I broke up with him. It was the most painful decision I have made so far. Painful because I had to let go of the person that I loved and trusted the most. And painful because the last few months of our relationship, he betrayed me over and over again.

After the breakup, we still see each other. The first time was because I asked him to go with me to the dentist. I'm a wimp who despises going to clinics and hospitals, you see. The other times, we went out to talk, have dinner, see movies or a hodgepodge of these. We were both not ready to lose each other completely. And, somehow, there was a faint hope on my part that maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen and we'll be back in each other's arms.

Last week, he asked me out to celebrate the result of a very important exam. I obliged. There's this unspoken rule between us that whenever one of us needs company, one needs to oblige. We had dinner and talked about the exam and other things. Just about I was to leave, he dragged me and told me that he wants me back.


Pwede bang maging ulit tayo?

Ano ka ba? Di ka pa lang nakaka move on kaya ganyan. Makaka move on ka din. Makakahanap ka din ng iba.

Hindi. Ayoko ng iba. Sigurado na ko na ikaw ang gusto ko.

Sinabi mo din yan nung una e. Pero anon nangyari? Tska pwede ba yun? After two months biglang ready ka na ma-tie down?

Pag-isipan mo.

Hindi, ikaw ang mag-isip.


I must admit that the faint hope that we would be able to fix things between us grew by leaps and bounds. I was still in love with him after all. But a few days after that confession, I found out that he's, once again, using me. Apparently, I'm nothing but a spare wheel. You know, just in case his date with other guys don't go well, he still have me.  And this must be the same reason why he chose to keep me even after the breakup. I'm a very convenient reserve.

But this ends now. Everything between us ends now.

I will no longer be manipulated by him. I will no longer be a slave of the faint hope that I keep. And I'm  crushing that faint hope the same way he crushed me and my humanity. I am burning the bridge that I tried so hard to build in hope of a decent post breakup scenario.

Here's the best part.

I am tearing the pages in the book of my life that he was a part of - from the day we first met in his apartment; the day he asked me out; the day we decided to be together; our first monthsary; our first anniversary; our first movie date together; our first fight, the first time I cried for him; the first time he cried because of me; the first time he wanted to end the relationship; and the first and many times I wanted to end our relationship. I'm scrapping everything about him at all points in my life. Yes, all points in my life, not just the present and future but also the past. I'd rather have missing pages in my book than to include pages full of his bullshit.

Impossible but I am going to make this happen. I'd convince myself so well that our relationship never existed and that I never him until not a single trace of him will be left in my consciousness.

I regret meeting him. I regret giving him my heart. I regret everything.

15 August 2010

Eyecandy

Another disappointing eyecandy.


If only you didn't start it with lies...

09 August 2010

MRT Lesson #1

It takes a helluva discipline and self-constraint not to have hard on while someone else's ass is rubbing against my crotch.


--
P.S.

This is my  100th post. =]

30 July 2010

Pervert Alert

Magkatabi kami sa jeep. Paulit-ulit nyang niru-rub yung binti nya sa binti. Di ko pinansin. Pagbaba sa SM North Edsa, naramdaman ko na sinusundan nya ko. Nagpanic ako. Lumiko sa unang likuan na nakita ko. Wrong move. Papuntang CR pala yun. Para di mapahiya, pumasok na din ako. Umihi sa urinal. Buti na lang may bantay yung CR kaya di nya ko tinabihan. Lumabas ako, nagmamadali. Pag tingin ko sa likod ko, hindi na nya ko sinusundan. Papasok na sya ng mall, papunta naman ako sa MRT North Ave station.

Pag dating sa MRT, boom! Nandun din sya. Nagkagulatan kami. Kinausap nya na ko. Ano pangalan mo? San Ka nagttrabaho? Taga saan ka? Ewan ko pero sumasagot  naman ako. Pero pinapahalata ko sa kanya na asiwa ako. Di nga ko tumitingin sa kanya. Pagsakay sa train, tinabihan nya ko. Kung makatitig sya akala mo kaming dalawa lang sakay ng train. Badtrip. Buti na lang di na nya ko sinundan pagbaba ko sa Shaw Boulevard station.

Ayoko talaga sa mga ganun.

25 July 2010

Yeah, right. Ouch.

Siya: Di kn nagtext ah.

Ako: Wrong send ka.

S: Sau yan.

A: Ah. Dati kasi pag may ganyan bihira tayo magtext. Di lalo na ngayon. Tska marami ka naman katxt. Tska wala ako sasabihin.

S: Musta k? Dating k?

A: Dating? As in nakikipagdate? Hindi.

S: Mahal m p dn b aq?

A: Lasing ka ba? Kasi kung oo, wag mo ko itext ng mga ganitong bagay.

S: Ano b sagot dun? Kc aq d q n alam eh. Gs2 q malaman kng nalilito k dn b.

A: Di mo na ako mahal. Yun lang yun.

S: Ikaw? Ano nraramdaman m pra sakn ngaun?

A: Mahal kita pero pinipilit ko na wala ng maramdaman.

S: Pinipilit q makipagdate sa ibang tao pero wlang nkkpantay sau. Nkakainis.

A: Wag ka maghanap ng katulad ko kasi mauulit lang yung nangyari saten. Di katulad ko ang kelangan mo.

S: D aq naghahanap ng katulad m. Ibang iba sau ung mga cnusubukan qng idate. Pero wla ngang pumapantay sau. Sa talino, sa itsura, sa ugali.

A: I'm the best that you can possibly have. Pero you don't need the best.

S: Ayoko mag-settle.

A: Bakit?

A: Tska ineexpect mo naman yan db. Sinabi mo yan saken ng madaming beses. Di ka na yata dapat magtaka.


First, sa totoo lang nadurog naman ako dahil nakikipag-date na ulit sya. Ano yun? All of a sudden ready na sya sa isang relationship? Five weeks ago di nya kaya matali sa isang relationship tapos ngayon ready na sya? Gaguhan (na naman) ba 'to?

Second, nalilito sya. Nalilito sya kung mahal nya (pa) ako? Wow. Tagos. Ako hirap na hirap na pigilan yung nararamdaman sa kanya. Tapos sya nandun na sa point na di na sya sigurado. Maybe I should congratulate him pala. He's really starting to move on.

Third, what's with the I-can't-find-anyone-better-than-you-realization? Gimik ba 'to? Kasi iba yung sinasabi nya sa nalalaman kong ginagawa nya eh.

Lastly, what breaks my heart most is to know that he's in pain.

22 July 2010

Diploma, Death and Dr. DILF

I was in Powerbooks at Megamall this afternoon when I received a call from Ms. HR.  Actually, I texted her and asked for the schedule of orientation and contract signing. It was supposed to be this week but she told me that it would be on the first week of August instead. I felt a lil bit sad because I was excited to start working. I've been praying for a really big distraction for weeks now and working is definitely the biggest distraction I could have.

But looking on the bright side (coz I have no choice), the delay means a few more weeks to enjoy freedom. Though honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to spend that freedom. I'd prolly watch lotsa movies (Inception, Airbender, Salt, Despicable Me, Eat Pray Love). Or maybe get drunk in Elbi again.

Speaking of Elbi, I was there this morning to get my diploma and request a copy of my transcript of records. I saw my academic adviser and we had a little chitchat. Btw, my adviser is uber cool. She's much updated with the shenanigans of my no longer existing love life. Problem is she only has a bird's eye view so she took her turn in asking me the juicy details. I told her.

After having lunch with a couple of friends, I went back to Manila to die. I went to Clinica Manila to have what they call pre-employment medical examination. I hate doctors, dentists, hospitals, clinics and needles. Especially needles. I was shaking so bad that the nurse who had to extract a sample of my blood gave me a few minutes to calm down. And breathe. The shaking didn't end there. I was shaking when they were getting my BP, pulse rate and chest xray. I heard the word relax gazillion of times.

The only time I didn't shake because of fear was during the physical examination. The doctor is a total DILF. His hands were all over my body - back, neck, chest, and abdomen. But for medical reasons of course. Hahaha. I was disappointed though that he didn't ask me to take my clothes off. I remember stripping down during the required physical examination in my school. Had Doctor DILF asked me to strip, he would have found what's missing all his life. Hahaha.

Anyhoos, I would go back to the clinic tomorrow for the pupu sample. I hope to see Dr. DILF again.

---
Elsewhere
OneManga is closing down. I'm not a manga fan but I know a handful of friends who are gaga over manga.

21 July 2010

Make or break Tuesday

Yesterday was a make or break day. I had my final interview for a job that I applied for two months ago. I really like the job. But I was sort of getting hopeless because two months of waiting and bumming really sucks. Also, I failed to take the initial exam the first two times they wanted me to take it. I was busy. Busy being broken hearted. Bah.

Anyhoos, I passed the final interview. It was a panel interview that took two unnecessarily long hours. I got the big boss talk more than I did by asking him questions. Hehe. But I admit I was pretty nervous because I didn't know that it would be a panel interview. It also didn't help how to impress a lawyer. Big boss is part of the panel and he's a lawyer.

One of the interviewers looked really masungit and uninterested. I think she just asked me two or three questions. One of which was about my knowledge of the company. I was thisclose in giving a wrong answer. Instead of saying the name of one of the businesses of their company, I almost said the name of their biggest competitor. And I think she sensed that. Lol.

I also stuttered, mispronounced words, and digressed a couple of times. Hehe. But I did some of the digressing on purpose. I sensed that their eyes glow whenever I talk about certain topics, events or people that they are familiar about. Let them indulge, I said to myself. Lol.

But I sensed that I passed the interview when they started nodding at each other. Then Big Boss started talking about their existing projects and their future plans. And he was addressing me as if I'm already part of the group. I was trying my hard not to smirk when he kept on doing that. Hahaha.

I'll sign the job contract this week.


Note:
Yeah, I was supposed to blog about this yesterday. But the BV really got into me and it overpowered this GV. Yaan nyo na naihabol naman.

---
I wanna watch Adolf Alix's Muli. Three reasons: Sid Lucero, the songs, and Sid Lucero.





20 July 2010

Hard

We can't be together anymore. I get it. But that doesn't make me love him less. And it also doesn't make me wanna get rid of him. In fact, I still want him so bad that if being friends would be the only way to still have him around, I'll take it. I'd take whatever he can give.

But this I-wanna-know-everything thing that he's doing makes me rethink if the friendship is really worth the pain. He's been trying to find unmentioned faults that I did when we were still together. It's as if finding such faults would make him feel less guilty and relieve him of the pain (and shame?) he's experiencing. Relief at my expense. That's the way I see it.

I didn't know trying to be friends with him could be this hard.

17 July 2010

The Song



I miss you.

15 July 2010

Boy Next Door

I've been using the pink boy next door tag for quite some time now but I haven't really read a definition of the phrase boy next door. So I did a little research and found these very interesting definitions.


Ordinary man or boy: a type of man or boy who is unaffected, approachable, and perceived as similar to yourself



The boy next door is an archetype of storytelling. He is often invoked in Western contexts to indicate wholesome, unassuming, or "average" masculinity. He is a young man with a sweet, shy demeanor who is just discovering his physical and spiritual strengths. The boy next door maintains his innocent wonder due to his charm, sincerity and preservation of virginity. He is never arrogant and mostly reserved.



A regular, typical boy, as opposed to a superstar.


A teenage male, very wholesome and unassuming, and maintains an innocence about him. Very sincere, sometimes shy, sometimes confiedent and rarely arrogant. A sweet boy, someone who girls are proud to bring home to their parents because of his charm, demeanor and sincerity. Very innocent when it comes to romance, almost always a virgin.

But these are my favorite definitions, still from UrbanDictionary.com

A shy boy. Often loved by all females in the neighborhood secretely. Basically, a shy man-whore.

A shy, very nice guy. Usually blonde and/or blue-eyed. Can be portrayed as innocent but is secretly deceiving.



I suddenly remembered this pretty boy from this
McDo advertisement.

---
Elsewhere
Up to 80% sale at Powerbooks
And according to Toxic Disco Boy (via his FB), Topshop/Topman is having a sale too.

Too bad I'm broke. My monthly allowance now is only 1/3 of what I used to receive.

Poll
I was a having a conversation with a friend and we happened to talk about kissing. He said that a really good kiss can make him cum. Interesting. Now, I wonder, are good kissers born or made? There's a poll in the sidebar. Tell me what you think. *smirk*

11 July 2010

Turn ons



I'm quite reserved when it comes to sex and sex talk. I don't know much about it and I definitely haven't experimented much. But as of late, I feel the need to learn more about it so I would deliver better next time. *smirk*

I was chatting with this new friend when he popped the question, "what turns you on?" Lemme share my response to his question.

Smut. I love smut. My first taste of smut was from those sleazy tabloids like Abante (Xerex) and Toro. We have a jeepney driver neighbor who always buys such tabloids. After reading it, he leaves the paper in a nipa hut which was a common place where we neighbors hang out. I would secretly get the paper, read in it the comfort room and jack off. Hahaha. Between video porn, image porn and smut, I'll always settle for smut.


Dirty talk. Come on. Men are meant to be dirty. And dirty talk is music to my ears. ;)


Men in uniform. Police and military men especially. The mere presence of these men wakes every part of my body...particularly that part. Haha. Problem with these species, however, is that there are few who has face value. I don't put much value on their looks but a decent face is still important. But 90% of the time, I'm just ogling at their body. Those big arms, broad shoulders, and their it-can't-get-any-bulgier-than-this crotches.

Straight porn. I like gay porn but straight porn makes my horny hormones hit the roof. Don't get me wrong though. I only like straight men in porn and not in real life. Hehe.

Facial hair. I don't want a pretty boy. I don't want my man polished. I want him rugged. And facial hair makes one man rugged and hot.

Makeup sex, anger sex, and partially inebriated sex. There's just so much lust and passion in makeup sex and anger sex. My testosterone level hits sky high during make up sex or anger sex. On the other hand, I like having sex when I'm partially inebriated because I feel super. I feel like I can do anything. Anything. *smirk*

Ikaw, what turns you on?

10 July 2010

Hush hush

I wanted to tell you all my secrets...until you became one of them.

I wonder why some people just really suck in keeping secrets.

I consider myself pretty good in keeping secrets. Out of 10 secrets I have, only one will be revealed. And the most probable reason why it would come out in the open is because that one moron who I shared the secret with can't keep his mouth shut like the way he can't keep his hands on his pockets...or his penis in his pants.

Or maybe it's my fault. You see, I like sharing my secrets to at least one soul. But that's another story.

Most people see me as a boy who wouldn't break the rules. Not even bend them. Most of my friends think that I have nothing but good intentions and that I am made up of love, care, trust, hope, and all other four cute little words that you find in Hallmark cards. My charm works on both boys and girls. How can one one not fall for one sweet and innocent looking guy, right? But truth is I have a lot of skeletons in my closet just like everyone else.

I have committed many things that you wouldn't imagine I can do. These things I have done would make you rethink if I'm really the guy you know. Before you get too paranoid lemme just say that I haven't killed anyone (yet). That's too extreme. The things I'm talking about here are stuffs that you have heard or you may even know someone who have done it. But given my reputation and image, you really wouldn't imagine that I have done it.

Just recently, I learned that one of my secrets in no longer a secret. Apparently, the stupid bastard who was supposed to keep the secret as hard as I was trying to keep it couldn't help but share it to another soul.I don't blame him though for having the urge to share it and acting on that urge. I'm just fucking annoyed that he doesn't know how to choose the people he will a share a secret with. Especially that secret. Our reputations are now both at stake. Dimwit.

30 June 2010

Bye PGMA

"History will be kind to her." - Governor Joey Salceda

Sorry

Truth is, akala ko maayos namin. Akala ko yung three weeks na hiningi nya para makapag-isip kami pareho eh sapat para marealize namin na hindi namin kaya mawala yung isa’t-isa. Noong una ayaw ko pumayag sa hiningi nyang three weeks. Pinagdududahan ko kasi yung intension nya dun. Ang sabi nya para daw makapag-isip kami. Pero ang naiisip ko noon eh gagamitin nya nya yun para magpakasawa sa mga kalokohan nya tapos babalikan nya ko after ng three weeks. Pero dabi nya wag ko daw sya i-judge. Wag ko daw i-judge ang motives nya. Nung sinabi nya yun naniniwala ako. Naramdaman ko naman yung sincerity nya.

Kaya nag-antay ako. Pero after a few days di ko na kinaya. Di ko na kinaya kasi tingin ko hindi fair na humingi pa sya ng pabor mula saken. Parang sobra sobra na kasi para sya pa yung humiling pa sya ng kahit ano. Nag-decide ako na itigil na yung pag-aantay. Di ko na aantayin yung three weeks at di ko na din aantayin at ieexpect na mag-sorry sya saken.

So nagdecide ako ns magsisimula na ko mag move on. Nagsimula na ko mag-isip ng mga susunod kong gagawin. Madami kasi akong plano na uulitin dahil wala na siya. Lahat kasi ng plano ko ay nandun sya. Actually, marami kaming planong dalawa. Isa na dun ay yung paghahanap ko ng trabaho na based sa Metro Manila. Kailangan sa doon para plano naman naming maging housemate eh matupad. Gusto kasi namin magkasama kami sa bahay. Sobrang mahirap kasi yung lintek na long distance relationship na yan e. Gusto namin at the end of the day uuwi kami sa isa’t-isa para kahit anong stress at kahit anong pagod pa eh mawawala dahil magkasama kami. Ako  naman gusto ko magluluto ako para sa kanya. Actually, kaya ko lang naman gusto matuto magluto eh para sa kanya. Isa pa pala sa mga plano namin eh yung magsplurge once a month. Naalala ko tinanong nya ko kung saan kami magssplurge. Di ko sya nasagot nun kasi di naman nagma-matter saken kung saan. Basta gusto ko mag-enjoy kami.

Sa Elbi ko napiling magsimula ulit. Sabi ko doon ako pupunta para gawin yung mga plano ko. Malaking bagay kasi sa akin na may mga kaibigan ako na madali kong malalapitan. Pero isang araw bago ako magpunta doon, kinailangan ko ng tulong nya. May mga bagay kasi na hindi ko pa kayang gawin ng wala sya. May mga bagay na magagawa ko lang pag kasama ko sya. Kaya ayun, nagtext ako sa kanya. Humingi ako ng tulong. Akala ko nga hindi nya ko tutulungan. Hindi kasi siya nagreply agad. Umiiyak na ko kun kasi sobrang desperate na ko. Pero buti nagreply sya at pumayag na sasamahan ako.

After ng pagkikita namin nabuhayan ako ng loob. Pagkauwi ko sa bahay nawala lahat ng pagod at ng pagdududa ko. Para kong narecharge. Feeling ko ulit kayak ko pang lumaban. Alam mo yung feeling na punong puno ka ng pag-asa na maayos uli lahat ng bagay? Ganun. Basta sobra sobrang optimistic ako na maayos namin lahat. Nag-text ako sa kanya. Sabi ko mag-aantay ako. Nagdecide ako mag-antay ulit. Isang lingo na lang naman eh.

Kaya lang may mga nangyari na naman. May mga bagay syang gagawin na sa palagay ko eh hindi nya dapat gawin kung talagang gusto nya kaming maayos. Sinabi ko yun sa kanya. Pero sabi ko nga sa kanya, di nya naiintindihan yung pinaggalingan ko. Di nya naiinitindihan kung bakit ako nasasaktan. Kaya mula sa pagiging optimistic, nawalan na naman ako ng pag-asa. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko huli na para sumuko. Ilang araw na lang naman. Ilalaban ko pa din.

Tapos na kami mag-usap. Hindi ko na nagawang sabihin sa kanya na gusto kong ilaban pa namin. Hindi ko na nagawa kasi naramadaman ko na yung pagsuko sa kanya. Nasa boses nya, nasa galaw nya. kahit gustong gusto ko makiusap sa kanya na wag bumitiw, hindi ko na nagawa. Naalala ko tuloy yung usapan namin nung bago pa lang yung relationship namin. Sabi namin kapag may isa sa amin na napapasuko na, ipapaalala namin kung gaano namin kamahal yung isa’t-isa. Ipapaalala namin na inaasahan namin pareho na magkakaproblema kami pero sinabi din naman na hindi kami susuko. Ipapaalala namin na yung pangako namin na hindi kami bibitiw. Umiiyak pa kami nung ginawa namin yung pangako naming yun. Di naman kami nag-away pero yung thought na mawawala kami sa isa’t-isa, di namin mapigilan umiyak. Pero hindi ko nagawa yun. Hindi ko natupad yung napagkasunduan namin. At ayun na siguro yung pinakamalaking mali na nagawa ko sa relationship namin.

24 June 2010

Have fun

You never fail to disappoint me. :'(

23 June 2010

Bring it on

I didn't go this far to give up.

Someday I will look back to this day and I will feel happy and proud that I gave not only my best shot but also with everything I've got.

Let's do this. *grin*

18 June 2010

Runaway


I’m a coward.

I don’t like pain and I try as much as possible to avoid it. Now that I’m in the middle of a storm of pain, emptiness, and fear, I will choose to runaway. I will run away and hide in the arms of someone who has showed nothing but love to me; someone who knows and understands the situation I am in yet understands and accepts the total mess that I am.

I tried to hold on. Really, really tried.  However, the storm is not just a storm but a battle as well. This battle was supposed to be the two of us against our problems.  But I am alone in the battle. Several times, I asked and begged for his help but he didn’t come. He’s busy fighting his own demons. I tried to survive on my own and barely lasted. I don’t think I can fight anymore.

Then someone from the not so distant past came back. He knows how wrecked I am. But he told me that he’s willing to help me and take whatever I can give him. He’s agreed to help me and take whatever I can give in return. He’s willing to ease my pains and shield me from more pain. And I’m too beaten-up to refuse help from him.

So I’m choosing to heal and be happy with him. It will take some time but with someone by my side showing me an unbelievably immense amount of love, it’ll be faster than being just all by myself.  I know most will not approve the manner that I choose to move on. Many will think badly of me. But they don’t know my story. Only the most trusted people in my life know. So I won’t give a damn to other people.

Next week, I’m chasing pavements no more.
























And maybe, I’m not a coward after all.

Forever & Always


So here's to everything, coming down to nothing
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute
But I don't anymore

And I stare at the phone; he still hasn't called
And then you feel so low, you can't feel nothin' at all
And you flashback to when he said forever and always



And it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong


It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone
'Cause I was there when you said forever and always
You didn't mean it, baby
You said forever and always,

15 June 2010

Escape

 When someone is willing to help you mend your heart that's been shattered into million pieces, how could you say no?


Too many shadows in my room 
Too many hours in this midnight 
Too many corners in my mind 
So much to do to set my heart right 
Oh it's taking so long i could be wrong, i could be ready 
Oh but if i take my heart's advice 
I should assume it's still unsteady 
I am in repair, i am in repair 

11 June 2010

"We're just here for you."

I'm going back to Elbi tomorrow.

"We're just here for you", all of my friends say. And that's exactly the problem. They are where they are and not with me. I need friends who will be physically with me. But of course they can't be with me because they have jobs and all other crap more important than a friend who's thinking of suicide. So I'll just go where they are so that it'll be more realistic the next time they say "we're just here for you".

10 June 2010

Fears

Emptiness, pain, and now fear.

I fear that because I was hurt, I may hurt other people - people who will take chance to know me, to be with me, and to love me. Yes, it sounds illogical. But I am alarmed that my lack anger towards what happened or to him may take its toll on the future. I fear that my anger will unconsciously make me evil.

I fear that when all of this is over, I may not believe in fairytales, happy endings, prince charming, true love’s kiss, and ever after. Yes, I am that kind of guy. I am a real person with real emotions. I believe in commitment, in working things out, in sacrifices, and in faithfulness. I don’t do hook-ups, casual sex and one night stands. I am more than a piece of flesh. But when the dust settles, I fear that I may not be the same person anymore.

I fear that I’ll be alone when I grow old. Growing old is something I have hated since I was ten. However, it was mostly because of fear of physical ageing. Now, it has become more of having no one when the rowdy music stops playing, when the disco ball stops turning, when the laughter fades, and when everyone else is with someone they love. I know that I will always have my friends. Even so, having someone who will really be there for me for the rest of our lives is different. I fear that after this I will be too broken that no one will bother to pick up the pieces and be contented with the broken pieces that I am. And this is what I fear the most.

 
 
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