10 June 2010


I'm looking for things I could do to distract myself for from thinking too much about what happened. I was feeling empty the first two days but now I’m feeling the pain. I’m having a hard time breathing whenever the breakup passes my mind. And it passes my mind a lot.

It doesn't help that I'm still jobless and have no pending interviews for the days to come. I was talking to some of my closest friends and told them I'd probably take a certain job just to "disappoint" my ex. But then again I immediately realized that that would be so bitter of me and wouldn't do me any good in the long run. However, I'll prolly take the first job that would come knocking in my door as long as it's related to my field and interests (community development, community organizing, advocacy, training, and corporate social responsibility).

I'm also thinking of doing volunteer work while looking for a job. I'm not sure where to volunteer though. And I have an ulterior motive - to sell myself to the organizations I'm planning to volunteer. Just the idea of using volunteer programs to my advantage makes me feel guilty. So that's prolly off the list now.

I'm planning to watch Emir and Killers this Sunday. I was supposed to watch Emir with ex. But the breakup won't stop me from seeing it. Besides, it's also one way of making me feel nothing has changed. Truth is, I miss him. And I would be lying if I say that I don't want him back. I want him back and it's always a struggle for me not to look at his Facebook profile. Seeing his relationship status unchanged brings a tinge of hope. (Update: He changed his relationship status now. I’m bleeding.) But the fear of being hurt again prevails the desire to be with him.

Maybe I should go back to Elbi this weekend and drown myself in alcohol. Alcohol is evil, all right, but it helps. It temporarily numbs not only the body but the emotions as well. Or I can go home in Cavite. I have friends who’d listen to me and won’t see me as some pathetic, bitter and hopeless guy.

I don’t know what to do. I believe I’ve always practiced fortitude when it comes to heartaches and heart breaks. But I can’t seem to do it this time. I loved him so much and I still do. I’m not ready to move on. Just thinking of it brings more pain.


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