08 June 2010

Down the drain

I’m trying to find the perfect song that would best describe what I’m feeling right now. Theoretically, I should be feeling pain, anger, denial, bitterness, betrayed, unloved, used, fooled and all other related words. I scanned my library of mp3s, added all the sad songs to my playlist and listened to the words by heart. However, none of the songs reflected what I’m feeling now. None of the songs I have reflects what I feel right now, because I am void of any emotion.

I feel empty.

Everything just happened so fast. Too fast, that I can barely remember the text messages I read from his phone coming from different people. I cannot remember the exact words but I remember perfectly what it was all about. But what I remember most was the expression on his face when I asked him about who those people were and what his exchanges of messages with those people all about.

He just woke up and he saw me wearing my clothes. The moment I thought he’s regained his senses, I asked him about the people and the text messages I read from his phone. I saw how he tried and barely managed to answer my questions. I saw how he tried to sound relaxed and cool but he failed.

Aalis ka na?

It was all he can say when I weakly smiled at him and finished packing my things. It was an epic fail. I couldn’t blame him though. He was stunned for he definitely didn't see it coming. But neither did I. Our difference is that I knew what I had to do. I knew what to say.


It pains me to realize that I ended an almost three-year relationship with one word. It was not even the full word itself, just a retraction.


Everything went down the drain with that informal farewell remark.


I let the word off my lips with a voice of surrender.


It was barely audible. I almost just murmured. For a moment, I thought my voice would fail me and nothing would come out. But the universe must have conspired and helped me. And with all the strength and courage that I have mustered, I let the word out.


I don't wanna cry
Don't wanna cry
Nothing in the world
Could take us back
To where we used to be
Though I've given you my heart and soul
I must find a way of letting go
'Cause baby, I don't wanna cry


  1. oh noes. i hope you're okay. that song makes me sad too. lalo yung version ni jason sa american idol.

    anyway, we your readers are always here for u. *hugs*


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