10 June 2010


Emptiness, pain, and now fear.

I fear that because I was hurt, I may hurt other people - people who will take chance to know me, to be with me, and to love me. Yes, it sounds illogical. But I am alarmed that my lack anger towards what happened or to him may take its toll on the future. I fear that my anger will unconsciously make me evil.

I fear that when all of this is over, I may not believe in fairytales, happy endings, prince charming, true love’s kiss, and ever after. Yes, I am that kind of guy. I am a real person with real emotions. I believe in commitment, in working things out, in sacrifices, and in faithfulness. I don’t do hook-ups, casual sex and one night stands. I am more than a piece of flesh. But when the dust settles, I fear that I may not be the same person anymore.

I fear that I’ll be alone when I grow old. Growing old is something I have hated since I was ten. However, it was mostly because of fear of physical ageing. Now, it has become more of having no one when the rowdy music stops playing, when the disco ball stops turning, when the laughter fades, and when everyone else is with someone they love. I know that I will always have my friends. Even so, having someone who will really be there for me for the rest of our lives is different. I fear that after this I will be too broken that no one will bother to pick up the pieces and be contented with the broken pieces that I am. And this is what I fear the most.


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