Little Adventure

Yesterday I went to watch a movie. Alone.

I planned this last week when I realized the need for me to be more spontaneous. You see, I always try to project a cool, calm and collected image (and I think I'm doing it well) but deep inside I think I am a control freak. I take risks, yes, but they're calculated risks. Risks that I pretty much know where it will lead to be it good or bad. And I only take risks which can have not-so-bad outcomes.

I decided to watch Avatar over 2012 as I'm not exactly a fan of end-of-the-world movies and because I'm currently "pirate-ing" the latter right now. Hehe. Oh, I watched it in Filinvest Festival Mall in case you're wondering. The movie was good. I should have watched in 3D. Nice effects and story and interesting characters. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a hawtee. Grace (Sigourney Weaver) and the tough marine chic Trudy (Michelle Rodriguez) were really good too.

But the film was not as good as the experience itself. From the expression of the ticket girl's face when I told her I'm only buying one ticket (she thought I was loser), when I bought popcorn and iced tea good for one person, when I walked past the other ticket girl and entered the cinema all by myself, when I waited for the usher to guide me to my seat (the guide was a she and I felt lame for needing someone to help me find my seat), when I realized that I am sitting in between two families, to the countless my instances I caught myself giddily smiling when the show has started. It was amazing.

I wasn't smiling because of funny, amusing or touching scenes in the film. I was smiling because I felt proud of myself. Having the guts to watch a film alone is really something for me. It was enthralling. It was liberating. And I really enjoyed it. :]

My adventure was almost perfect. Except that I arrived late for the first screening and too early for the next. And Mr. Social Anxiety Disorder a.k.a. Mr. SAD (I really suspect I have him in my system or of it is normal to have him, I think I have too much of him) managed to squeeze himself in the two-hour wait and mess up my day.

I let you in on a factoid about me: I hyperventilate when I'm alone in a big crowd of people I have no whatever connection of some sort. Say, for example, and I tell you this always almost happens, when I use the overpass the sight of people just overwhelms me. So I take a deep breath and walk as fast as I can without being noticed. It's really a pain in the ass having this thing. But, as I've mentioned, I'm really good in pretending to be just fine. The only manifestation I can't control is sweating. I sweat a lot when I'm stressed. Even the slightest stress makes me sweat. So if you see me sweating without a reason, take that as cue that I need some fresh air to loosen up.

Back to Mr. SAD. So I arrived late for the first screening but more than two hours early for the second screening. I had no choice but to stroll around. And I don't stroll in the mall or anywhere for that matter. I rarely go out to wander without direction. I only go out when I have a certain reason to go out. And strolling is not a valid reason for me. Ok. Strolling is fine but not when I'm alone.

It was hell. I can barely look up and see people straight in the eyes. 99% of the time I was texting or pretending to text while the remaining 1% percent was spent either looking upward or on the other side of the mall but never straight. Pathetic. I was literally going with the flow of people. To say I felt loss and helpless would be an understatement. I had the urge to just quit and go home gazillion of times.

I may have confidence issues but I'm not a quitter.

I distracted myself with two things I'm most into (not men. di pwede yun eh. lols) - books and gadgets. I went to Powerbooks and scouted for a Jessica Zafra. However, as much as I wanted read I just can't concentrate. The anxiety was just too great to ignore. So I went to couple of gadget stores. Thank heavens those gadgets totally removed all the anxiety. I felt confident while inside those gadget stores because I knew I have quite an affinity (fine...affinity may be too strong a word) with technology. I even managed to strike a conversation with one customer (a manong) and a salesman (average built, fair and chinito - not my type).

After a quick chat with the salesman I checked my phone and realized that the show will start on 10 minutes. I had to skip popcorn and settle for fries as the queue for popcorn looked like it will take forever. So with a cup of fries in one hand and a coke zero in the other, I proceeded to do the thing I'll be doing alone. It was all worth it.

Now I'm thinking what to do next for this sort of spontaneity challenge. Hmmmm.

P.S.
Thank you She for being "with me". Lols.

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listening to: Duffy - Mercy