Hush Hush

Overheard my neighbors talking while reading Zafra's Twisted 8 and contemplating on my New Year's resolution.

Woman 1: Tumataba ka ngayon ah.
Woman 2: Talaga?
Woman 1: Oo. Ang taba mo. Pumuputi ka pa.
Woman 2: Ganyan talaga. Hiyang sa tamod! *burst of deafening laughter*

I felt embarrassed for them. Do they really to be that vulgar? I have issues with people who are too vulgar and too loud. Even if they're my friends. Its fine once in a while but methinks a little moderation is a must when you're out in the public. Profanity and expletives are fine and, yes, maybe needed sometimes. But a little sensitivity to others is really admirable.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!


Merry Christmas esp to the following:


to my STP-UPLB brods and sisses
to my UP Babaylan brods and sisses
to my UPLB COSS brods and sisess
to my co ST majors
to DSDS family
to my CHE family
to my MLN friends
to my "followers" i am beki, chris tiu, galen, mike, citibuoy, jaypee, james, girl with glasses, cee and meldrick
to my "followers" in my previous blog (the missing pen)


Let's all be happy. :]

Little Adventure

Yesterday I went to watch a movie. Alone.

I planned this last week when I realized the need for me to be more spontaneous. You see, I always try to project a cool, calm and collected image (and I think I'm doing it well) but deep inside I think I am a control freak. I take risks, yes, but they're calculated risks. Risks that I pretty much know where it will lead to be it good or bad. And I only take risks which can have not-so-bad outcomes.

I decided to watch Avatar over 2012 as I'm not exactly a fan of end-of-the-world movies and because I'm currently "pirate-ing" the latter right now. Hehe. Oh, I watched it in Filinvest Festival Mall in case you're wondering. The movie was good. I should have watched in 3D. Nice effects and story and interesting characters. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a hawtee. Grace (Sigourney Weaver) and the tough marine chic Trudy (Michelle Rodriguez) were really good too.

But the film was not as good as the experience itself. From the expression of the ticket girl's face when I told her I'm only buying one ticket (she thought I was loser), when I bought popcorn and iced tea good for one person, when I walked past the other ticket girl and entered the cinema all by myself, when I waited for the usher to guide me to my seat (the guide was a she and I felt lame for needing someone to help me find my seat), when I realized that I am sitting in between two families, to the countless my instances I caught myself giddily smiling when the show has started. It was amazing.

I wasn't smiling because of funny, amusing or touching scenes in the film. I was smiling because I felt proud of myself. Having the guts to watch a film alone is really something for me. It was enthralling. It was liberating. And I really enjoyed it. :]

My adventure was almost perfect. Except that I arrived late for the first screening and too early for the next. And Mr. Social Anxiety Disorder a.k.a. Mr. SAD (I really suspect I have him in my system or of it is normal to have him, I think I have too much of him) managed to squeeze himself in the two-hour wait and mess up my day.

I let you in on a factoid about me: I hyperventilate when I'm alone in a big crowd of people I have no whatever connection of some sort. Say, for example, and I tell you this always almost happens, when I use the overpass the sight of people just overwhelms me. So I take a deep breath and walk as fast as I can without being noticed. It's really a pain in the ass having this thing. But, as I've mentioned, I'm really good in pretending to be just fine. The only manifestation I can't control is sweating. I sweat a lot when I'm stressed. Even the slightest stress makes me sweat. So if you see me sweating without a reason, take that as cue that I need some fresh air to loosen up.

Back to Mr. SAD. So I arrived late for the first screening but more than two hours early for the second screening. I had no choice but to stroll around. And I don't stroll in the mall or anywhere for that matter. I rarely go out to wander without direction. I only go out when I have a certain reason to go out. And strolling is not a valid reason for me. Ok. Strolling is fine but not when I'm alone.

It was hell. I can barely look up and see people straight in the eyes. 99% of the time I was texting or pretending to text while the remaining 1% percent was spent either looking upward or on the other side of the mall but never straight. Pathetic. I was literally going with the flow of people. To say I felt loss and helpless would be an understatement. I had the urge to just quit and go home gazillion of times.

I may have confidence issues but I'm not a quitter.

I distracted myself with two things I'm most into (not men. di pwede yun eh. lols) - books and gadgets. I went to Powerbooks and scouted for a Jessica Zafra. However, as much as I wanted read I just can't concentrate. The anxiety was just too great to ignore. So I went to couple of gadget stores. Thank heavens those gadgets totally removed all the anxiety. I felt confident while inside those gadget stores because I knew I have quite an affinity (fine...affinity may be too strong a word) with technology. I even managed to strike a conversation with one customer (a manong) and a salesman (average built, fair and chinito - not my type).

After a quick chat with the salesman I checked my phone and realized that the show will start on 10 minutes. I had to skip popcorn and settle for fries as the queue for popcorn looked like it will take forever. So with a cup of fries in one hand and a coke zero in the other, I proceeded to do the thing I'll be doing alone. It was all worth it.

Now I'm thinking what to do next for this sort of spontaneity challenge. Hmmmm.

P.S.
Thank you She for being "with me". Lols.

-----
listening to: Duffy - Mercy

On Boredom and Insanity

Classes ended last Thursday yet I'm still here in Elbi.

I dunno why but I feel more at home here in Elbi more than anywhere else. And that includes our (my lolo and lola's actually) house in QC where I grew up and my Tita's house in Cavite where I spent high school. I feel like a stranger whenever I go to either house. I feel uncomfortable and restless when I stay there so I usually stay no longer than two days.

But since it's Christmas season I would have to stay for a week or two. Horror.

I don't have much to do in QC except to eat, sleep and watch TV. But I'll be doing the same thing if I stay here in Elbi just replace TV with internet. And I'd always choose internet over TV. There are no decent shows in local channels after all. My relationship with the tube is very much based on news and Kris Aquino. But I can catch them both on the web.

Sometimes I feel guilty because I don't come home as often as I should. My grandparents and my Tito's and Tita's were practically the ones who raised me (here's the drama: Mom and Dad separated when I can barely count all the way to 20). So it's only proper that I spend time with them. But I don't. Tito died three years ago while Tita has her own family now. On the other hand, I'm having a hard time relating with my Lolo and Lola. I grew up so much that we don't seem to have the connection we used to have. But I love them. Really.

Truth is I'd rather be bored here in Elbi than in QC. I can snap out of boredom if I'm here in Elbi - something I can't do in QC. Quezon City is like Forks (Twilight) minus hot bloodsuckers Carlisle and Edward (Carlisle is one DILF*) to me. I find everything  gloomy and in slow mo there. And I hate it there because the water is biting cold unlike the almost always warm water here in Elbi. Thanks to the suspected dormant volcano Mt. Makiling.

And if you're thinking that the problem is me and not the place, well, I guess you're right. I'm so boring I bore myself sometimes.

So what's in a person that makes him boring? I dunno. You tell me. So why do we get bored? I dunno either but Wikipedia says we get bored when

...when we are prevented from engaging in something, when we are forced to engage in some unwanted activity, or when we are simply unable, for no apparent reason, to maintain engagement in any activity or spectacle.

I think I'm pointing my finger on the last one. Uh-oh. Maybe something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not bored.  Maybe I'm suffering from depression. I've encountered the term clinical depression - a concept that is abused by many people claiming that they are depressed when in fact they're just plain sad. But I'm not sad. I even consider myself happy. Lemme read some more.

Boredom can be a symptom of clinical depression. Boredom can be a form of learned helplessness, a phenomenon closely related to depression. Some philosophies of parenting propose that if children are raised in an environment devoid of stimuli, and are not allowed or encouraged to interact with their environment, they will fail to develop the mental capacities to do so.

Ok. This is getting scary. I can't be clinically depressed. I'm just bored or at most, sad. But not depressed.

I think I'm gonna hit the shower now and go out for dinner.

-----
*special thanks to Jaypee for introducing me to this term

Shoot

So I attended the seminar class for graduating students this morning. I arrived 15 minutes late but I'm actually quite proud of myself considering I only had three hours of sleep last night as boyfie asked me to layout a scientific poster. Also, I was sort of one of the early birds since there were five people who came earlier than me.

The topic discussed this morning was one of the topics discussed in last year's seminar - volunteerism and partnership (I'm done with this subject na kasi).  I was trying to keep a low profile as I'm just sitting-in in the class but the professor practically made everyone talked. And so I had to talk. And talked I did. I can't help it. Prof's really good she got me warmed up. I hope I did make sense though. Lol.

When the discussion barely had began, Mr. Graduation Committee Representative me handed me the contract for the graduation photo shoot and yearbook. Attached in the contract is an info sheet where we're supposed to write, umm, basic info about ourselves. There were also some questions which I find so slumbook-ish and, yeah, our answers to these questions will be printed in the yearbook.

• What does a BS Human Ecology/BS Nutrition student have what [sic] others do not have?

Very beauty pageant-ish. And I'm pretty sure people will, more or less, have the same answers here. Bring out a pen and paper and start tallying how often the words holistic and sustainable appear.

• Three things that you wished [sic] you did in college that you never did.

I just don't buy the idea of sharing my regrets in a yearbook. I want my page in the yearbook gleeful. I'll reserve the regrets for my autobiography. Lol.

• What are the things you will miss most in CHE (College of Human Ecology)?

Ok. I kinda like this question. I'll shed a tear or two in the future when I read my answer and other people's answer to this.

Also, we're supposed to ask two of our closest friends or relatives to write a special message for us. Now that's just plain cheesy. And corny. But I'll try to make this work for me. I just need to find two people who are so eloquent that they'll be able to convince me that it was me they talked about in the message even if I'm not even a light year close to their descriptions. Lol.

Ok. If you think you know me well and you're know your way with words and you're interested in writing a message for me for our yearbook, email me. Bah. As if Pipo, as if.


Update: I've decided not to get the yearbook. You see, I'm an "irregular" student and much of the people who I consider as my batch mates already graduated last year. I realized that I won't be seeing my batch mates in that yearbook and that's like defeating the purpose of yearbooks - to bring back memories. Without the cute/lovely/fugly/stupid faces of my batch mates in that yearbook, there'll be no memories that'll make me smile, cry or curse. So there. No yearbook for me.

-----
Listening to: If You're Out There

Today

I emailed Greenpeace Philippines regarding a possible partnership in bringing the film The Age of Stupid here in UPLB. We can actually do it on our own but working with organizations such as Greenpeace will entice more UPLB constituents to see the film. Greenpeace is Greenpeace after all. I'm spearheading the activity. I hope Greenpeace's response will be affirmative.

I helped boyfie have his graduating clearance signed. It took us three hours of walking and waiting. I was exhausted and hungry as hell I ate Jollibee's super meal.

I bought a black three-stars-and-a-sun type polo shirt. I didn't know I can look good in black. Sad part is I had to go for the medium size. I now look like a suman in small. I hate it. >_< I also bought a pair of pants. Thank goodness I still fit in a 30.

I paid my rent for November. I'm still thinking if I should pay for this month's rent or I'll just delay it till next month. My mom owes me two weeks worth of allowance.

I'm still thinking if I'll attend UPD's Lantern Parade. My lolo and lola lives in Diliman, Quezon City. I fear that I'll give them a heart attack if they see me with the UP Babaylan delegation. They prolly won't go in the parade but media covers the event, right?

That pretty much sums up my day. Guess we'll be watching a local comedy flick later. Yeah, we're into local flicks. Hehe.

-----
listening to: Jealous

Is it just me

or the more you look at Rob, the more you realize that he's oooooozing with sex appeal?

And he's not showing his abs yet. Who needs abs anyway when you have this?

And then there goes boyfie telling me to stop looking at Rob's pictures. Lol.


P.S.
I don't effin care if you hate Twilight. It's Rob I'm looking at.

When Ms. Righteous Strays

You have three choices.


What are those?


First, stop texting him.


Second, continue your textcapades with him and hope for a happily ever after. Who knows?


Third, go on with the textcapades, enjoy what you two have now but don't expect anything more than that (your textcapades, that is). If it ends, let it end.


The first is too sad. The second choice will make me feel guilty as hell and I'm not sure if there will be no emotional investment on my part. That third option sounds good though. 


Oh. The last one's the easiest. You just go with the flow until you realize that what you're doing is not right. But that'll happen at the end pa. For now, it's just rainbows and butterflies.


-----
Ms. Righteous is my uber trusty friend when I need someone to say out loud that I'm doing something wrong. She's the only person I allow to slap me hard and tell me to stop. Fine. I'm exaggerating. But you get the point.

I'm a Jerk

But I'm still not choosing him to be my practicum mate.

I'll be meeting my two friends and S tomorrow on Wednesday. I feel that my two friends will try to initiate a kiss and make up of some sort. But I won't give in.

The worst case scenario is that I will have to make my two friends choose. Me or that selfish bastard. But that's evil. I may be a cut throat jerk sometimes but I'm not evil. I act like a jerk for a good cause (yeah, I'm a "the end justifies the means" guy sometimes). I don't become a jerk for selfish reasons.

Now I'm thinking that instead of making them choose, I'll just tell them to choose him. I'll just let my adviser choose my practicum mate. Or maybe I can just do the thing alone. I can do it on my own after all. But that would be sad and I would be pathetic.

Oh geez I can't believe this is happening. I'm graduating this sem and here I am still not mature enough to just get over it. So much immaturity for a 22 year old. Crap.

Let's Call Him Mark

Musta tol? May oras ka ba? May prob ako. Usap tayo tol.

This was Mark's opening salvo to me over our exchange of chat messages this afternoon. I met Mark through a certain online group with members exchanging private and not-so-private male videos. I am one of the moderators while he is a member. When I made a new instant messaging account especially for that group, Mark was one of the first people who added me as a contact.

Kelangan talaga usap? Pwede naman dito ah.

Though Mark and I are attending the same school, we haven't met yet. We already had countless chat sessions talking about school, family, friends and other stuffs enough for us to consider that we know each other and to give each other a certain level of trust.

Usap naman sa YM, di sa personal.

You see, our conversations were limited to online chat. No online calls or phone calls. We don't even have each other's digits. We were friends but there is an unspoken rule that we only communicate through chat. There were several attempts he made to make me come over his pad or him insisting to come over my place though. Yeah, he's one horny kid. I must admit that there were instances that I was actually teasing and tempting him though. I did it just to amuse myself. He was sex deprived and I know he'll bite to my bait. But at the end of those conversations we just laugh at ourselves for no one would give in. It's fun. It just gave me blue balls though.

Oo nga. May headset ako pero walang mic. Pwede lang ako makinig sayo.

I lied. Of course my headset has a built-in mic. In fact even my laptop has a built-in mic. I just can't talk to him for we will be violating our unspoken rule. And also, boyfie is around. He doesn't know Mark or anything about him. Mark is just another member of the group. Or maybe not. Point is he's just a friend.

Di pwede. Lugi.
...
Nalilito na kasi ako tol.

Ah. I had an idea what this conversation will be all about. You see Mark is not your average college student. He's from a wealthy family, his parents pamper him, all of his siblings have a good job, he has his own car, he's got a chick girlfriend and he's a prostitute.

Di mo naman kelangan malito. Normal lang yan.

When Mark told me that he is straight, my eyes rolled 360 degrees, 360 times. I hate it when people claim that they're straight yet they do gay stuffs even I won't do like joining an online with members that exchanges male videos. Oh. But as I've mentioned Mark is not your average guy. So yeah, he's straight.

Tado. Ewan. Pano kung nahuhulog na ko?

Ok. So now this is a problem. He can't fall for a guy because he's straight (scratch the concept of fluid sexuality for a moment please). But here he is telling me, it came from his own "fingers" and it was not a suggestion but a declaration, that he is falling for a guy.

Tol, bakla na ba 'ko? Pota.

"Yes, you are now. Welcome to the group!" I wanted to tell him that. But I didn't for that it was too early to conclude. It could have been good news for the pink community for Mark is a total hottie. But then again I wouldn't do that to him. I'm his friend. Naks.

Eh kung nagkakagusto ka sa lalake, ano naman? Ok lang yan. Patingin nga ng pic nyan! Haha.

Seriously, I can feel that he's so stressed out. This is a real problem for him, a major one at that. So I felt that the need to lighten up things a bit so there goes that stupid half-meant joke.

Tado. Parang mag-utol kami. Tapos pareho pa ng kalokohan. Parang lahat ok. 

Ah. This is bromance. I can't be wrong. Two straight guys who are unusually close that people think (including themselves perhaps) that there is something going on between them. But really it's just friendship in a higher level. And yeah, there's no sex involved. There must be no sex involved.

...to be continued.

-----
Bah. Of course Mark is an alias.

The 2009 Manila Pride March: Dare to Care!

December 5, 2009 | 3 PM

Malate, Manila

Task Force Pride Philippines

28

No, that's not my age. I'm only 22.

It's been 28 months since we've been together. That's two years and 4 months just in case math kills you. Hehe.

During the last team building activity of Babaylan, Paul was telling me how happy and proud he is of us. Our relationship is one of the proofs daw that relationships like ours work. He was telling me other things but I can hardly remember it now as we were both quite drunk that night.

But I remember telling him that I actually feel pressured because of the relationship. I'm very happy with the relationship and knowing that people are happy for us magnifies it more. However, as I know that many people "look up on us", there goes the pressure. It's as if people are telling us that we need to make our relationship work and last for them. Yeah,  I'm crazy.

Warning: mush overload ahead.

So lemme take this chance to say to you people that I'm keeping the relationship because I love him. I'm doing everything I can to make this work and last as long as it could because I love him. I'm doing the right things because I love him. I'm doing my share in the relationship because I love him. You're never a consideration in making this relationship work.

Those 28 months were not easy. Those 28 months were not rainbows and butterflies all the time. We fought, we walked out, we slammed doors, we raised voices at each other and we cried because of each other. There were several almost-break-up and I-need-some-space moments. But from day 1 we knew that it will be a rough ride. We knew we have to make a lot of compromise to make things work out. We promised each other we will hold on.

Ok enough of the drama.

So today marks our 28 month of being together. And though we don't do monthsary's anymore I think we'll be eating out tonight. So yes, Gillian and Iyabear, I'm skipping our meeting.

Now, gimme back my beer.

GMA is Gay

This is the latest post of Professional Heckler and is undeniably the gayest of all his heckling. Hahaha! See the original post here.

***

I shall return.

PRESIDENT ARROYO has formally declared her intention to seek a Congressional seat in her home province of Pampanga in next year’s polls. This parody of a Gloria Gaynor hit was inspired by Mrs. Gloria Arroyo’s latest declaration.

Note: Before you start singing, please click this link for musical backup.

GMA:

“First, I am not afraid

I’m not petrified

Kept thinking I could always live

with immunity by my side

Though I spent so many nights

thinking I did nothing wrong

I am strong

I learned how to carry on

So I’ll go back

to my old place

’Though I walked out to find you all

with that mad look upon your face

I should replace my stupid son

I’d soon be their congresswoman

If I had known it’s quick and easy

I should’ve just run for VP

THE PEOPLE:

Go on now go, walk out the door

just disappear now

’cause you’re not welcome anymore

weren’t you the one who tried not to bid your post goodbye

you think you’d Con Ass

you think we’d let you even try

GMA:

Oh no, not I

I will survive

oh as long as i know how to bribe

I know I will stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live

I’ve got all my cash to give

and I’ll survive

I will survive

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

kept trying hard to fight

the media, the Left, and all bishops

and I spent oh so many nights

rehearsing how to perfect lies

I will not cry

I will hold my head up high

And you’ll see me

in Congress soon

I will not be that stuck-up person

who refused to hold press cons

I now hope for charter change

In twenty-ten, yeah, hopefully

I’ll be saving all my power

for what else? Prime Ministry!

THE PEOPLE:

Go on now go, walk out the door

just disappear now

’cause you’re not welcome anymore

weren’t you the one who freed one Bolante and Garci

you think they’re friendly

you redefined impunity

GMA:

Oh no, not I

I will survive

oh as long as i know how to bribe

I know I will stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live

I’ve got all my cash to give

and I’ll survive

I will survive hey hey

***

Again, this is not my work. This is Professional Heckler's wit.